(Edit: If you came here from Consumerist… welcome!)

You know, when I really think about it Stride Gum should have been reviewed long, long ago here on Cheap Eats. I mean, their whole raisin de la existanz (pardon me, Sarkozy) is that the gum lasts a heck of a long time and therefore you’ll spend less money on buying it - therefore shutting the company down. No really, I didn’t make that up. This is the main focus of nearly every commercial they’ve done. In each commercial we witness the demise or partial shutdown of the company factory due to the fact that the gum they’ve created just lasts too long for customers to buy enough of it.

Self-aggrandizing commercials for gum like this are much easier to swallow (no, don’t swallow your gum please). The commercials are 10 Million Billion TRILLION times better than the bloated, sci-fi Matrix-inspired commercials for 5 Gum. I mean you’re selling GUM, not Axe deodorant…

Anyhow, it’s funny, but I actually think the long lasting chew of Stride Gum causes uncontrollable Heroes-like, Philip K Dickian psi-effects . The reason I say so is that I’d never tried any before, but the day that I did I got an email from a Stride Gum rep telling about some new contest to win a Dodge filled with Stride gum they’re having. That’s too much of a coincidence. Paranoia. I strongly believe that the repetitive, jaw movement unlocks some primoridal, deeply buried ESP and they’ve got receivers up at HQ set to the formant frequency of my brain so they HEARD my thoughts. Or rather, they heard my jaw working.

Blah, blah, sci-fi blah… I know, I’m bored too. Which is why today’s review is going to be a mini timeline. I know they have a “Chew Timer” section on the site already, but I decided to do my own research - because chewing gum doesn’t actually exacerbate my repetitive-motion shoulder / back injury which has flared up in the past few weeks. Ouchity. Anyhow, here you go. Timeline starts on the next page:

Stride Gum Chew Test Oct 30, 2007
completed at home office
(no animals hurt in this experiment)

4:41 PM - Gum enters mouth, flavors abound, hooray! But wait - that’s the same with all gum when you first chew it.

4:43 PM - Initial big “sugary” rush of flavor is gone, but minty flavor remains strong.

4:47 PM - Mint flavor still lingers prominently. Phone call comes in (from the Gum Chewing Association of America requesting headshot. I tell them I’m busy conducting “research”)

4:51 PM - End of call. Jaw starting to feel slightest bit of chewing stress. But flavor still present. “Sugar content” is now much lower.

4:55 PM - OK, so the minty taste in the gum is still there. The sugar flavor, however, has mutated into the sort of Aspartame aftertaste that I’m not so fond of. If that’s what they mean by long lasting flavor - count me out.

5:02 PM - Getting slightly bored - I turn on the TV and watch Cash Cab for a bit. Man, this guy driving the cab is definitely not the poster child for the DMV… The “Taste” of the Stride gum is still there in the background, but again the sweetness there is just the after-bloom of Aspertame.

5:07 PM - I feed the cat. I let it smell the gum and it wasn’t interested. Consider penning a letter to Donald Woodworth III asking if he’s interested in a partnering to market “Stride Feline Chew - the long-lasting Tuna Flavored gum”. The gum is still the same, but texture is starting to harden a bit.

5:13 PM - OK, now starting to notice a definite loss in both minty flavor and the sweetness of the gum. I’m almost glad that sugar-free bleah taste has gone away. It’s beginning to taste like clay. How do those baseball ball-players do it? Oh, right - they’re chewing steriod-infused tobacco, not gum.

5:17 PM - Jaw really starting to falter - but I will tough it out. The gum still has a bit of flavor, but my mouth is actually starting to get quite a bit dry. Consider phoning makers of Gatorade to see if I can get some sort of product endorsement deal for the alleviation of “Gum Chewing Drymouth”.

5:25 PM - I dunno how the Valley Girls did it - I just cannot “snap” my gum. Somewhat successful at blowing bubbles - but it makes a mess. This ain’t no Hubba Bubba gumfighter gum. The sweetness in the gum is now completely gone - there is just the barest of mint taste left.

5:35 PM - Ew. Gum is starting to taste seriously nasty and I’m getting lockjaw from chewing. Sitting here chewing this gum, I’m wondering why Stride did not contact Violet Beauregarde, the chewing gum fanatic who chewed the same piece of gum for three months, and try to get her as product spokesperson…

5:46 PM - Stride Gum rep phones me to say he’s gotten word of this online test and wants to offer a lucrative $1 million dollar “Chewing Contract” to keep that one piece of gum in my mouth for 3 weeks. Surprised, I momentarily choke and end up swallowing the gum. Oh, well…

Total Chewing Time: 1 Hour 5 Minutes.

OK, so some observations. First, the flavor does seem to last a bit longer. Second, the flavor doesn’t last THAT much longer. I didn’t do a side-by-side but I’m sure it can’t be that much longer. Third, I wonder how much of the longer lasting flavor is just artificial sweetener being sweeter than sugar. I HATE that fake sugar taste, I would rather it dissipate FASTER than slower. Fourth, I wonder how much the higher pricetag (Disclosure: I haven’t price-checked this gum everywhere) justifies the gimmick. I mean, why not buy cheaper gum and eat more pieces to keep the flavor level up if it’s that much of a concern?

I dunno: the gum is OK, the commercials are fun, and they dedicated almost an entire show of “The Loop” to Stride gum. It’s not bad, but I don’t think I would go out of my way to buy it unless it was the exact same price as cheaper gum.

Oh, and in case you want it, below is a picture of the gum that I regurgitated back up because I thought the Stride rep might want it for the Hall of Fame. Or maybe I’ll sell it to MoMA as modern art instead…

Price: MSRP: $0.99 - $1.50
Found At: Supermarket
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10