Deep in a lead-shielded, missile-proof bunker 1000 feet underground in Scuttlefishville, AZ:

“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you here today. We’re ramping up to Defcon 3.14159 in just a few minutes. Outgoing ICBM missile launches have been detected all over the world. We’re in for multiple strikes in all the major cities. Boom. It’s not going to be pretty. We’ll be down here safeguarding the nation’s secrets for at least the next 10 years or so.”

“Lieutenant Vonnegut, give me a status report on our basic neccesities.”

“Sir, all the necessary supplies and rations are in place for the coming siege. We should be able to survive down here for over 20 years. For consumibles, we have 1,580,000 cans of Spam, 1,650,000 cans of Corn Niblets, 130,000 boxes of Twinkies, 730,000 cans Vienna Sausages, 950,000 cans of Chef Boyardi, 740,000 cans of Progresso Soup, 55,000 packs of Lime Jello, 4,230,000 bottles of Gatorade, 1,200,000 cans of Refried Beans and 653 cans of Beanee Weenee.

“Very good, Lieutenant. Hand me one of those cans of Beanee Weenee. And a spoon. Let’s start this war off right.”

And so it goes… and so on.

OK, I originally was going to write a whole fricking post-apocolyptic Vonnegut-ish play in 3 acts for this review which would star the aforementioned Beanee Weenee falling into enemy hands and causing a collapse of the economy which was based in Beanee Weenee Bucks. It would end with a time travelling anthropomorphic Steller Sea Lion who would arrive with a cache of the beans to save the day.

But lucky for you, I’ve got writer’s block this afternoon.

Truthfully, Beanee Weenee has always been a sort of mythological canned food for me. I just knew the name and hadn’t even looked for it in the supermarket. I had a feeling it was one of those “legendary” rural foods that no one talks about but everyone has in their cupboard. Like those Bryan Tamales. I’m just way to lazy to research it more - so please tell me if indeed it is some sort of famous delicacy that’s been around for years and years.

Anyhow, I came across some cans at the Dollar Store, and I just couldn’t pass it up. The first thing I need to say about Beanee Weenee is that they have spelled it wrong. Oh yes, I do know a potatoe from a potato. Or, I often fool myself into thinking that I do. I keep wanting to write Beanie Weanie or Beanie Wienie.

The second thing I need to say is that this is one of those “eat cold or hot” deals. I’m not sure why you would eat it cold, unless you were stuck 1000 feet underground in a lead shielded bunker like the protagonist in my aborted narrative above. But hey, wouldn’t they have a microwave or stove down there?

There was no way I was going to scarf this can of pork and beans cold. I popped the top (bonus “emergency food” points for not requiring a can opener) and poured the pitiful repast into a little pot with a lid. It warmed up quickly. I then poured it into a bowl and consumed it in 5 minutes. Man, the things I do for Cheap Eats.

I’m just going to say here that I’m not a fan of the usual baked beans at all. I actually don’t like ANY beans or bean dish where they’re sweet. It needs to be savory for me. The sweetness of this can of beans and weens wasn’t overpowering, but it was disappointing to me. If you’re used to the sweetness, you’ll probably like it a lot.

The texture of the beans was extremely soft. They’re actually white beans as opposed to the larger pinto beans. I was sort of expecting more of a bite to the beans. They also tasted a bit strange to me, like library paste. Needless to say, they still had the same gastronomic effects. Toot.

The “hot dog” pieces are chicken wieners with beef. They had the same consistency and shape as larger, sliced vienna sausages. However, I was a bit surprised that it was much less salty, if you can believe that. I wonder if the saltiness leaked out of the dogs into the surrounding sauce or something. I washed off a mini hot dog piece and tried eating it. It was nearly bland, and that’s saying a lot because I like food with less salt than the average person.

Although the can notes that the beans and weens are in “tomato sauce”, I didn’t really get a good tomatoey (ouch, my Quayle) taste out of it. All I tasted was sugar and glutinous paste. I could’ve used more of a garlic or onion flavor to help neutralize the weird taste of the beans.

So, I didn’t throw up. I didn’t spend THAT much time on the toilet. I would eat these beans in a box (especially if it was 1000 feet underground), I would eat these beans with a fox (if he was a time travelling anthropomorphic fox), I would eat these beans in a boat (though I’d prefer Spam musubi) I would eat these beans with a goat (again, if it was a time travelling goat).

But, I wouldn’t eat Beanee Weenee on a regular basis, unless the economy of the world suddenly became based in Beanee Weenee Bucks. In which case, I WIN because I’ve started to stockpile cans of them underneath the house for the coming apocalpyse. Now, to bide my time…

[Editor’s Note: P.S. Happy Thanksgiving! Cheap Eats will be on break for a week or two. Don’t eat too much turkey…]

Price: $0.50 for 7.75 oz.
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10