Once upon a time there was a young boy who could breathe underwater. He was about to be captured by government agents when he was rescued by a round-faced, blonde, breadmaking cheerleader who was invulnerable to all forms of bodily damage. Save the breadmaker, save the world.

This is not their story.

(It is, however, a part of the most recent episode of Heroes in case you should like to watch that.)

This story, instead, is about these Baby Cheddar Pepperidge Farms Goldfish that I bought on a whim while at Tarjey. What does it have to do with Heroes? Like talent in an American Idol show - absolutely, positively, nothing.

I was actually trying to think of some “baby” jokes or cultural references to spew forth like I Love The 70s/80s slurm. But my brain was severely distracted by round-faced, blonde, breadmaking cheerleaders last night. So I didn’t get to make a whole list.

Ok, maybe just a few - Babyface. Ooh Baby I Love Your Way. Laughing Cow Mini Babybel. I’ve Got You Babe. Babe (The Pig). How is babby formed?

Oh yes, and Octopus Mom lives close to me. I should pay a visit and offer her a bag of these mini goldfish - there’s so many in a bag that each of her cephalopodic babbys could have a tentacle full.

But, as usual, I digress. I’m actually a huge fan of the standard Pepperidge fan goldfish. I haven’t really tried too many other flavors. I just know the pretzel ones make me thirsty. Yes, those pretzels were making me thirsty. 20 Magic Bonus Points if you got that reference.

I thought these babbbbby goldfish were going to be really tiny - sort of like how mini M&Ms are baby versions of their chocolatey parents. But to be honest, there wasn’t that huge of a difference in size. And since the flavor and texture is identical, I’m not sure why I would buy this instead of normal Cheddar Goldfish.

In retrospect, I should’ve bought another bag of normal sized goldfish so I could compare them side by side. It’s been awhile since I bought a bag of goldfish crackers, so I don’t even remember if the normal ones have missing faces as well.

That’s right, some of these goldfish have no eyes or mouth - just like the poor saps on Fringe who were victims of a scar tissue virus gone awry. I don’t know why they mix these together in the bag - I’m all for goldfish species equality (witness the “Colors” Goldfish that Pepperidge Farm also sells), but I was getting confused while eating these. When I’m eating a goldfish, I like to make eye contact with him. I like to let him know that yesh, Mr. Homo Sapiens Carnivorous is definitely in charge of chomping here. I don’t want him to try and hide behind a blank expression (like our former president, zing).

Ok, so I admit after eating just about a whole school of these, it did seem like you could cram more of them in your mouth than the normal variety. I wonder if you could get in the Guinness Book of World Records that way - it should be easier than cramming people into a phone booth. I would still like to see the two sizes side by side, so maybe I’ll buy a bag of both next time. I’ll just eat a few of each and give the remaining to the octuplets next time I see them.

I just read back this review, and it doesn’t make any sense. Fun.

[Editor’s Note: I know I’m probably wrong about the translation of “breadmaker”, no need to write in long emails about that…]

Price: $1.66 for 7.2 oz bag
Found At: Target
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10