And now for something completely different.

I’ve been noticing that the ratio of post length to reward factor (i.e. comments) for Cheap Eats is seriously whacked. The more time I spend going on and on about absolutely nothing important, the less fun comments and hate mail constructive criticism wrapped in internet anonymity I receive.

I never set out to be the squeaky mousewheel that gets the gets the grease.

But after this long and winding road which has run five years, you’ll find I like to complain every so often.

I consider complaining my “just rewards”. An inalienable right that tends to alienate readers. Compensation for providing dense thickets of stream of consciousness sentences surrounding a few blurbs about a company’s products, or a 3 Dollar or Less Recipe.

My complaint this time around is that it gets tiring to review Cheap Food all the time. Sometimes I want to review caviar or, god forbid, foie gras. Just to switch it up a bit. It’s difficult to get companies to send this kind of stuff, however, to a website called “Cheap Eats”.

Not that I would ever accept such products for review since that would be an ethical conflict of interest. (*Ahem*, speaking loudly into the mic provided by FBI)

It’s actually quite amazing how much flame broiled email constructive criticism wrapped in internet anonymity I’ve gotten for writing about even normally priced foods. My idea was that I could review expensive or medium-priced products, because of course I’d take the cost into account in the overall score.

It hasn’t really turned out that way. I’ve sort of gotten pushed into the corner of cheap food, 24-7. Instant Ramen and Cheese Wiz beating me up in the ring, and it’s round 13. I suppose some of that is my fault, since I’ve said since the beginning that the blog will be about Cheap Food, minus all considerations of health, taste and general hygiene. So that’s what people expect.

I thought perhaps I’d try and branch out to other cheap products with the Cheaplander website, to make things more interesting. That hasn’t really panned out - mostly because I just don’t have the time and energy that others have to really pour into another site. But it’s also because the number of blogs vying for attention these days makes it hard to get an audience. (Incidentally, I’m seriously weighing whether to keep Cheaplander going. It’s that “work to reward” factor again.)

And I constantly find myself driven back to Cheap Eats, my little haven of nonsensical food reviews and recipes. Even trapped in the Cheap corner, I really do enjoy writing up a wacky “product review”, even if only a few people read it.

But enough about me, you came here for a review. Here it is:

These Snack Worx “Original” Corn Chips look like Fritos™.

They taste like Fritos™.

They taste, in fact, less oily and fatty tasting than normal Fritos™.

This is, in general, a good thing.

However, they taste just as salty as normal Fritos™.

That is, in general a bad thing.

The kicker is that 12 ounces for $1 is pretty darn cheap.

That is, in general, the best thing.

Therefore, I recommend this product if you are seeking a Fritos™ type of experience but do not have much cash on hand.

I am done, stick a farking fork or chopstick in me.

Price: $1.00 for 12 oz.
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 7/10

[Editor’s Note: Normal people may read this blog and wonder how it is possible that I do not currently inhabit an insane asylum. Let me tell you, chief - hospital rooms have really great WiFi connection these days…]

I like Macaroni and Cheese.

I also like eating a nice package of rotten beans every so often.

In other words, you should not trust me. Everything I say, or do, is suspect. Call the National Guard, or at least Alton Brown’s food police. Hide your women, your children and your sweaty, foot-long kielbasas.

Nothing will save you, no one will come to your aid if you scream while I force feed you a whipped cream out of a can and slap you silly with slabs of Spam.

Oh, excuse me - wrong blog.

I’ve reviewed Mac ‘n Cheese box products before, such as the generic Albertson’s brand of Macaroni and Cheese. What strikes me the most about re-reading that review is NOT the extent to which I debased myself with junk food, but how far I’ve come (or sunk) as far as helpful reviews and posts go. Wow, what was I thinking back then? Or, perhaps, what the hell am I thinking now? No wonder I get hate mail from older fans of Cheap Eats…

Well, for some reason I’ve never reviewed the Easy Mac variety of the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese products. Let’s be honest - there isn’t going to be too much difference between the normal Mac ‘n Cheese you cook on the stove and this little cup of Mac ‘n Cheese. I guess the main difference is you get to avoid washing a pot, and you get to throw away the styrofoam cup in the landfill.

I’m just going to say right now that I AM the stupid type of sucker consumer who will buy this little cup of microwave Mac ‘n Cheese that costs 80 cents when I could be getting a full box of Mac ‘n Cheese for 25 to 35 cents. I AM that idiot, and that is why you should not trust anything I say dinosaurs were killed by asteriods.

But you know, my impulsive buy finger had already triggered and the little tubby was in my cart. Oh well. Actually, what I was most interested in was whether or not microwaving the noodles would be the same as cooking it on the stove.

I’m pleased to report that it pretty much turns out the same. The sauce consistency and taste was nearly identical. I microwaved it for 4 minutes as opposed to 3.5 because my nuker is notoriously sluggish. Maybe because of that extended time, the noodles were slightly less firm than usual. But in all other respects, it tasted identical.

It’s sorta nice, also, to be able to nuke and eat this in front of your sexy single co-workers. “Look at me,” you’ll say. “I’m so confident in my social life that I can eat this in front of you all.” Instead of eating it while sitting at home on a Friday night in the bathtub like you usually do.

Now, I’d guess one good thing about having a smaller container is portion control. Overweight America, rejoice! This is truly a “snack” as opposed to a full meal. I snarfed it in about a minute. Having a smaller size is probably a good thing considering the crud that goes into the sauce. However, I know some people really enjoy turning their tongues and faces bright radioactive orange. And you can only do that after you eat cups and cups of the stuff, preferably without a spoon.

I’m trying to think of what else to say. But you know what, there’s pretty much nothing else: Instant microwavable macaroni and cheese cups, on the expensive side compared with the normal boxes.

Ok, well, I HAVE heard that there is a worldwide conspiracy among the Tubular Bells rebel alliance to take over the world by releasing hordes of tubular bell shaped instant pasta laced with 6th level wizard Geas-virus spells. But, remember, you didn’t hear it from me.

Price: $0.79 for 2.05 oz.
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 4/10

[Editor’s Note: I swear I do not have a cassette tape copy of Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells, and that I didn’t listen to it over and over again in high school when I really should have been listening to New Kids On The Block]

(View larger photo on Flickr)

Nothing gladdens my heart more at lunch time than a large expanse of tuna casserole landscape.

Because of that, and because I’m not sure if I’ll have the time to get in the usual Tuesday Cheap Eats time-draining post, here is a picture of that Leftover Lunch landscape. I know that not everyone enjoys a good tuna casserole (as far as I can tell, it’s standing at about 50% of folks who can eat this), but this is a regular fixture at Cheap Eats.

I’ve been known to do a cold Tuna Noodle special for leftover lunch the next day from time to time, but I usually microwave it back to normal. (One of the benefits of not microwaving is that it doesn’t make the microwave and/or house smell as much.) We always make a larger pan than normal because it’s almost always good for lunch and a few snacks in the next couple of days.

You can use a can of Campbell’s Cream of Whatever Soup as the base for this casserole. I guess I should write down a recipe, but it’s difficult to get it under $3, and plus I haven’t been using a recipe for this. You just have the sauce, the noodles, some par-cooked veggies and tuna. Lately, I’ve been trying to make the sauce from scratch (a basic white sauce will usually do, but I like to make it tangy with either sour cream or yogurt).

A couple other tips: undercook the noodles, or at least make them al dente. The veggies: some people like to put them in raw, but I usually cook things like onions, celery and carrots a little bit to soften them. Also, things like mushrooms, zucchini and tomatoes, you might want to cook them a bit to get more of the water out. Either that or you should make the sauce a little thicker so that it’ll even out when the water comes out of the veggies. Lastly, I drain the tuna (lately have been using the plain, non-oil packed chunk variety), break it up with a fork, and only mix it in at the end right before you put the mixture into the casserole and put it in the oven.

Lastly, a trick I learned - throw in a pinch of nutmeg into the sauce. Makes it interesting.

Oh. Warning: if you have a cat, it will probably not leave you alone while you are cooking and/or eating this.

Here is a confession.

Long ago, I used to laugh, laugh and laugh at people who said they put cut up pieces of hot dogs into macaroni in cheese.

These were the type of Jurassic-era trolls who used to hold me down on the playground and fart into my open mouth. But that’s another yarn for another day.

Anyhow, I’ve since learned the joys of using hot dogs in idiotic recipes like this one. I think I’ve actually covered this once before, but with the Eeekconomy still in the dumps, I guess some people would appreciate more recipes under $3.

This is the Hot Dog Egg Sandwich and for Cheap Eats, it rules. The great thing about hot dogs is that they’re so versatile. I know a lot of people who never eat them except for Labor Day BBQs, if at all. I’m thinking, hey if it’s a special BBQ, and there’s other great food, then why would you eat a hot dog?

I know that hot dogs aren’t the greatest thing for you since sliced California rolls. However, I think the key is moderation. If I was young, wild, and full of bullcrap, I guess I would have tattooed the word “Moderation” on my chest.

Then again, I don’t like needles. But I do like hot dogs.

In an egg sandwich like this, I find a little goes a long way. If you slice up the hot dog thinly, you can pretty much make an egg sandwich with only half a hot dog. Saving food like this is usually a good thing, but it can be a bad thing because it means you’ll use up that 10 pack of hot dogs twice as slowly. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to eat 20 hot dog egg sandwiches in a row. But maybe it might be good if you have a big family.

Hot Dog Egg Sandwich

2 slices bread — $0.10
1 hot dog — $0.15
1 slice American cheese — $0.20
1 egg — $0.15
pepper — negligible

Total: $0.60

Get a small non-stick pan heat it up. I like to use wooden chopsticks, but feel free to wield a wooden spoon. Crack the egg, and beat it lightly into submission. Dump some pepper in if you want. Use two eggs if your cholesterol count is fine and dandy. Use three or four if you want it NOT to be fine and dandy. Slice up the hot dog thinly. I often only use a half a hot dog, because those mofos are a little salty and full of fun preservatives.

Toast up the bread slices in the toaster. Fry the hot dog slices, turning once or twice. I don’t like ‘em too burnt, but you can do whatever. Now push the hot dog slices into the corner and dump the egg on top. I like to tilt the pan so the egg stays in the corner. I also use chopsticks to make sure all the runny egg contacts with the pan. You only need to cook it for a few minutes or so. If you’re a fancy chef who’s good at flipping stuff, flip the egg over. If you’re not, just cook it longer.

Stick a slice of cheese on top. You can cover it, but I usually just let it go a few seconds more and then remove it to the toast. When you cover up the egg w/ the other slice of bread, it usually melts enough.

Sit back, turn on your favorite morning TV show, and eat your hot dog egg sandwich.

You’re basically making fast fritatta containing no vegetables and only hot dogs. If this bothers you, and it should, then by all means throw in some leftover bell pepper, broccoli, onion, olives artichoke, nuts, bolts, kewpie dolls, pictures of Dorian Gray, etc. You’ll want to cook the veggies before the hotdogs if raw. Oh, sometimes I stick a slice of lettuce in it for appearances sake.

I had a moral to this recipe/story. But unfortunately, it has been obliterated by years and years of Jurassic-era trolls holding me down on the playground and farting into my open mouth. All that meethane has gone to mee head.

One, two, three, four, five, hot dog egg sandwich yum.

Dear Candy Fiends … I mean Freaks … I mean Froods … I mean Friends.

Yes, that’s it.

Dearest Candy Friends,

Please don’t get mad at me when I say that the most interesting thing about these Yogurt Dots to me was the fun open/close boxspout. To be honest, the only reason I picked up this movie-sized box for a buck at the Dollar Store was for the novelty factor. That and I thought maybe I would finally get to review a candy that no one had tried before.

Not so, as reviewers like Candy Addict and others have already written up their opinions. Ah well, you snooze you booze.

As I was saying the most interesting thing to me about the candy was the box, which has a closeable spout that folds shut like farking origami or something. This blew my mind. You can tell I don’t eat candy too often. It’s like that episode of Spongebob where Patrick and he order a giant screen TV just so they can play with the box. Not that I ever watch Spongebob, or relate to his spong-i-ness (though I feel rather holy at times), or aspire to be the greatest Crabby Patty Fry Cook in the world, or put up posters of Gary the Snail on my wall.

No, no. I’m completely Absolutely Normal. In fact, you can call me Ab-Normal, ey?

Come on, keep up here.

If memory serves me correctly, my first encounter with Tootsie’s Dots was not while watching Dustin Hoffman, but giving my young molars the workout of their lives while watching people get chomped by sharks. You might be wondering what I was doing watching Jaws at that young age. All I know is that I wished I had serrated mofo teeth like Mr. Jaws, because those Dots were harder than hell.

So, I was sort of expecting these Yogurt Dots to necessitate multiple trips to the dentist. Instead, it seems they’ve gotten all soft and squishy on me. They taste (and look) more like a sugarless gumdrop. I’m sort of glad for the new softness, but they have a bad habit of clinging to your teeth. Again, I’m not a candy eater so I don’t know - maybe you’re supposed to swallow them whole? Wait… gaghg. Nope, scratch that idea.

There were five “flavors” in the box. I only know what they are because it’s written on the box: Strawberry, Banana, Orange, Blackberry and Lemon-Lime. Let’s be truthful here. The average, non-zen candy eater would probably not be able to tell what they were. It’s kind of like the descriptions on wine labels that read “hint of cherry plum dingbats with pinecone needle floral notes.” The flavors tasted more like Red #40, Yellow-ish Orange, Orangey Orange, Grape and Green. To be fair to them, when you’re putting these your mouth in the theatre and chewing them up, I think you’ll be paying more attention to the sharks eating naked bathers on the screen than whether the purple flavor is grape or blackberry.

Actually, I confess when I ate them slowly - as in less than one every 2 seconds - I COULD make out the flavors. I guess it’s true that I should stop and chew my food. Thanks, mom.

The yogurt part of the dots was actually quite pleasant, in a sour-ish milk kind of way. In fact, it actually kept me eating nearly half the box while watching all those Spongebob re-runs. Not.

The price at the dollar store is decent for the large amount of Dots that you get. I dunno how much a box like this would run at the movies, but I heartily suggest that my guy friends sneak the box into the theatre in your pants. Just tell them you have a Spongebob Squarepants medical condition. (Gals, you’ll never know how lucky you are to have a purse.)

In conclusion, I could think of hundreds of other uses for these Yogurt Dots besides eating them. Earplugs or nipple enhancers come to mind. But because I’m a completely Ab-Normal person, I would suggest you simply put them in your mouth and chew them while watching man-eating sharks chew on delicious, delicious people. Yum.

Price: $1.00 for 8.5 oz.
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 6/10

[Editor’s Note: I do NOT like Spongebob Squarepants. I do NOT like Spongebob Squarepants. I do NOT like Spongebob Squarepants. I DO NOT like Spongebob Squarepants. Oh all right, I watch it occasionally…]

WTF. Cold soup.

I was actually going to take a pass reviewing this Gazpacho Soup from Fresh and Easy. The reason is that I’m not a huge fan of cold soups in general. To me, cold soup is like winning a weekend date with Gillian Anderson and not being able to ask her if Mulder ever touched her boobies on the X-Files. I mean, what’s the point?

But I know a lot of folks (and little green men) actually like chilled soups. All this Borscht B.S., Summer Squash Soup stupidity and veritably vain Vichyssoise, just leaves me… well, cold.

I think it may also be a guy thing. Most of the fans of cold soups that I know seem to be gals. However, it could also be that I’m an uncultured, unpasteurized (put me out to pasture already), Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer living in a 21st century cold soup world.

That actually sounds more like it, grunt grunt.

But you know what, I’ll give it a go. I’ll pretend to be one of the highly cultured, cold soup loving, non-caveman lawyers living in Beverly Hills making beaucoup moolah defending New Wave grafitti “artistes” who use their “lower appendages” to paint. Man, this city I live in is great…

Actually, this Fresh & Easy Gazpacho Soup (I think Fresh & Easy must hate me, for I have never given a “normal” review on any of their products), wasn’t half bad. Actually, it wasn’t half good either, but that’s a problem for Glass Half Full Psychologists to solve.

I’m actually a gazpacho newbie; the whole cold soup phobia has definitely hindered my appreciation of it. But basically, it’s a cold, tomato-based Spanish soup that incorporates fresh veggies and is usually eaten with hard bread. It’s right around here that I would like to make a Pixies joke or reference, but experience has taught me that most of my readers (no offense to ya’ll) wouldn’t know alternative or indie music if it bit them in the butt. It’s OK, I confess that I have to remain ignorantly mute whenever conversation turns to who’s on American Idol, or pretty much any popular music on the “radio”.

Beyond that, I can only guess at what it’s supposed to taste like. The funny thing is, this gazpacho tastes just like salsa to me. This gaz’ had a very, very strong garlic taste. It was more like garlicpacho. It had a blend of tomatoes, onions, cucumbers and red bell peppers. I believe that it would have tasted a little better with more emphasis on the cucumbers and less on the onions. The cucumber slices tasted slightly pickled, but I guess that’s to be expected since that’s usually what happens when you put cucumbers in salted liquids. The onions were still a bit crunchy, which might bother some people. There wasn’t enough red bell pepper action to really notice.

Overall, the taste was just too strong for me. I think I could deal with the overpowering garlic, but the soup itself was just so acidic, vinegary and there was too much sugar in it. It could also use a hit of spice - it was pretty much silent on the capsicum front. I squirted some Tapatio in to it, much to the delight of my spicy taste buds. Hot sauce definitely made this more edible.

The price is pretty consistent with deli style fresh soups from most places - F&E has a bunch of these different deli soups, some that are quite good (and thankfully, not all are meant to be eaten cold). They’ll usually run you $2.50 to $3.50 for about 22 ounces, unless they happen to be on sale. I think it’s a little expensive, especially for soup that I’m not so enamored of.

In conclusion, I wouldn’t buy this again, unless I did become a highly cultured, cold soup loving, non-caveman lawyer living in Beverly Hills making beaucoup moolah defending New Wave grafitti “artistes” who use their “lower appendages” to paint. But I think gazpacho would be the last of my worries if that did happen.

Price: $2.50 for 22 oz.
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10

[Editor’s Note: Yes, I do like Gillian Anderson. And The Pixies. But not cold soup. Or Andalusian dogs.]

Well, well, well, well.

Well.

Here is what I have to say:

I guess I would eat this Maruchan Teriyaki Yakisoba during or after an earthquake which devastated all the earth’s food supplies. Hella yes.

Otherwise, I probably won’t be eating this again.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m usually game for a revisit on any of these dollar junk food items. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I’ve come down with a bit of a stomach bug the past couple days. So talking about MSG laden instant noodles right now is not high on my priorities.

Oh poor me. I can feel reader sympathy dripping through the eaves like so much Diet Dr. Pepper.

Anyhow, here’s the deal. I’m pretty familiar with Yakisoba style dishes. My mom cooked it all the time for lunch. I think I’ve eaten enough of them, whether homemade, in a restaurant, fresh storebought and dried storebought to know that this particular Maruchan one is one of the lowest of low-brow yakisobas that you will get.

Please note, I’m not claiming to be a Yakisoba expert. I’m just saying I’ve eaten a lot of them.

Yakisoba (i.e. Fried Noodles) is basically a bastardized verison of Chow Mein, which (at most faux-Chinese restaurants) is often a sort of a bastardized, Americanized version of more traditional Chinese noodle dishes. Maruchan Yakisoba seems to be a bastardized version of normal Yakisoba itself, so by transitive property, you can fill in blanks.

That’s a lot of bastards.

I’m generalizing here, but usually it’s a kitchen sink compilation comprised of stir fried noodles with various bits of meat (pork, beef, chicken), veggies (carrots, cabbage, onion, water chestnuts, corn, bell pepper) in sauce that is reminiscient of Worcestshire, oyster or Tonkatsu sauces. It’s not that soupy usually - it’s more on the dry side, with the noodles absorbing the sauce so they turn brown in color.

I dunno if it’s traditional, but a lot of times you’ll put a fine dry seaweed powder on top. This is often called “Laver”, which, if you ask a few of my more traditional relatives, they may pronounce variously: “raver”, “lavel”, or “Ravel”. French Impressionist music and instant noodles, excellente.

Companies like Sapporo Ichiban have been making a dried variety of Yakisoba since forever. This is sort of my yardstick against which I was measuring this Maruchan variety. There’s also supposed to be a popular brand called “UFO” which I somehow haven’t tried yet. Maybe that’s next up on the review list.

I guess what drew me to this one in particular was the fact that it had it’s own “tray” and you could just add water and nuke it. Usually, Yakisoba is made in a frying pan - even the instant version. At least I used to make the instant variety in a pan. It tasted much better than this one.

I don’t know if not pan frying it might have affected the outcome a bit. I felt this version was wetter and much too soupy. The yakisoba I’ve had before, whether in a restaurant or the instant variety, is almost always nearly dry. They have two packets in this box. The first is the dehydrated “vegetables” which are more for morale than anything else. You heat that up with the noodles and water. The second packet is the sauce flavor one, which you dump in at the end.

Here’s a breakdown:

The noodles - Hey, let’s hear it for instant ramen noodles. They are pretty much the same noodles you’d find in typical ramen. The color was a little light for Yakisoba, I was wondering if perhaps I missed sprinkling all the sauce packet into the tray in my rush to eat it. The fresh packaged versions of Yakisoba noodles are 10 times better if you can get it (look for it in specialty Asian markets), but still, I guess I’d eat this during an earthquake.

The sauce - They say “teriyaki” flavor - I’m not sure what that has to do with anything, but I did notice that this tastes a little different than your standard yakisoba sauce, which is worcestshire flavored. It’s a bit sweeter, and does seem Teriyaki flavored. As I said before, this is more watery than usual. I want to say I taste some sort of apple thingy as well. It had MSG to the Max, pidgin style. But I guess I would eat it during an earthquake.

Veggie packet - I don’t know why they even bother. These are the same dehydrated bits of carrot and onions that you get in Cup O Noodles. Except for the addition of some cabbage shreds, which were actually the highlight of the meal, I could do without the obligatory veggie specks. If they really wanted to cut costs, they should just omit it and lower the price by 50 cents or so. Actually, if I remember correctly, the Sapporo Ichiban dried version doesn’t have any veggies at all in it, thus leading to a much lower price. Again, I would eat it before during or after an earthquake.

Overall - I guess what I have to say is that I would eat this before, during or after a debilitating earthquake. The convenience of the tray to let you warm it up in the microwave is sort of lost on me. I think I would rather spend less and get the lowest brow Ichiban variety. It’s nothing like fresh packaged yakisoba or yakisoba made at a restaurant. But hell, what are you going to do during an earthquake anyhow.

Price: $0.99 for 4 oz.
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 3/10

[Editor’s Note: You may notice I seem to be mighty concerned about earthquakes. This is true, mainly because I am able to psychically predict them. I do this by eating a plate of Yakisoba and counting the number of times the noodles interweave. The next large one in California will be on August 5, 2015. You heard it here first. Still lots of time to stock up on supplies…]