5/5/10 | White Castle Hamburgers
[ Currently Eating: Molecules of Moles ]
Truthfully (and when, good peoplepersons, have I ever NOT been truthful?), I’ve been thinking hard about this review for the past month or so.
Thinking hard has gotten me exactly nowhere.
So I decided to sum up what few thoughts these few brain cells have squeezed out about White Castle Microwaveable Hamburgers in two sentences:
“John Cho is, like, a god to me.”
and
“These square hamburgers are rather small.”
The End.
I would elaborate more on the first sentence, but I don’t think it’s really worth your time see me heave my enormous Jabba the Hutt bulk up on a soapbox. Or maybe it would be, if I had a fat wormy body like Jabba the Hutt. Jabba the Hutt would probably also have something nice to say about mini hamburgers. OK, I’ll stop saying Jabba the Hutt so you won’t jabba me in the hutt. I mean butt.
Superb. Butt-jokes in a hamburger review.
But if I could just make one little observation: John Cho, and of course Kal Penn (he is also, like, a god to me), have done more good for Asian Americans and White Castle hamburgers than any mortals from this multiverse have ever done.
I speak, with reverence bordering on the supernatural, of that peculiar película known as Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.
Definitely one of the top 20 films of all time.
I have watched it 813 times, 26 of those in a row while sitting on the couch while eating Pocky and drinking Boba milk tea.
If you have not seen it, you have not lived. Or at least identified heavily with a film about two Asian American guys who don’t kungfu-fight (and also don’t travel through “time and space” with a bad accent) who just want a fricken hamburger. Plus, man, does John Cho has a way with ladies of different persuasions.
You go, Cho.
But all that is water under the bridge, meat under the table, and so on. This is a review about hamburgers. According to the movie (and nearly everyone from the East Coast with a heartbeat), they are supposed to be the shiz. Or is it the shiraz? I’m not a wine person, so you’ll have to excuse me. Or excommunicate me.
To those east coasters who say that I can’t possibly write up a review on White Castle hamburgers without having flown over there and tried the Real Deal, I say, “You’re absolutely correct. Now get on a plane and fly over here and have a real hamburger at In-N-Out.”
No really, I can’t say that. I’m sure White Castle does indeed rock the cow. It’s just that a lot of people from the other side of the continent have a highly disturbing way of dismissing In-N-Out hamburgers as hippy California Pizza Kitchen surfer burgers.
As if, dude.
But in any case, I didn’t expect making these little burgers in the microwave to compare to getting the real thing. Although, they sure look VERY similar. I’m not used to “slyders” or “sliders”, unless you mean the great TV show that they should bring back starring, guess who – John Cho.
I don’t even know if they’re supposed to have what amounts to raw onion chunks sprinkled on each one. I didn’t really enjoy that part so much. Also, I could’ve used some cheese on them. And tomato and lettuce. Heresy, yes.
They came in three 2-packs of hamburgers. You just open up the plastic on a pair of the burgers and separate them. Then you nuke for 60 seconds from frozen. I had a little trouble getting the little buggers, er, burgers, to cook completely. Your mileage may vary, especially if you’re a frequent flyer.
The taste is – not so great. The meat was sort of lifeless (on second thought, that may be a good thing!) and a bit pasty from the steam. I can’t understand what it is with people liking the hamburger and the interior side of the bun to be all sopping wet and melded together. Maybe it’s a West coast thing, but I really like them distinct and separated. I realize that large “Helen of Troy”-type wars have been fought over different hamburger styles, so I’ll just stop there.
The bun itself was OK, but nothing to write home about. I really could not get past the onions – scraping them off proved helpful, yet messy.
The price is the straw that broke the cameltoe’s back for me. At 60 cents each, these just weren’t worth it. I don’t even know – how much do these cost normally at the actual restaurant? I feel they should be a quarter at most for the amount of meat inside. Oh sure, you’re getting authentic White Castle hamburgers. But I’m not sure why anyone would pay the premium unless they’re nostalgic for them. Or, like me, you’ve watched the movie too many times and you just have to try them, and you don’t want to fly across the country.
And now, it is my great pleasure to end this narrative WITHOUT a picture of my original idea for this review which was a photo of my naked chest with two White Castle Hamburgers covering my mannipples like pasties.
Eek!
Price: $3.69 for 9.5oz (6 slyders)
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 3/10
[Editor's Note: Any fools out there who would like to have a picture of me fondling White Castle Hamburgers on my mannipples, please send $9.95 to "Burger Pasties, 31539 Scam Street, Burger City, CA" Thank you.]
May 5th, 2010 at 10:52 am
i live on the east coast, and i don’t get the attraction to White Castle. it tasted horrid to me.
May 5th, 2010 at 11:20 am
@falnfenix – I agree, it didn’t taste that good to me. However, I know people get really attached to particular hamburgers, and I don’t want to start any hamburger flame wars. Or flame-broiled hamburger wars. So, I have to stress, this is just my opinion that they didn’t taste good, and I’ve only tried these microwave versions.
May 5th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
I admit I have never even seen a real, live White Castle but I have purchased the frozen burgers. I tasted one then threw them all out. They are horrible. Not even in a drunken stooper would I eat White Castle again.
May 5th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
I believe they have gone up to 65 cents each. I like White Castles – I don’t eat them often, but when I do get them they are tasty. Granted, they aren’t for everyone but you can get other tasty mini sandwiches at White Castle – I like the chicken ring sandwich. I don’t know if you can buy those frozen though.
May 5th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
I think they’re about $.60 cents at the real place, too. At least they were about four years ago when I last had them, but then I moved, so who knows? Cheese is 10 cents more, I think. I’m sure the frozen are a pale imitation; they look pretty nasty, actually.
Man, there’s nothing better after a night of drinking beer and bowling and having someone run up to get a bag of twenty to share. They’ve been around in the midwest for decades.
May 5th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
i tried these recently and was pretty unimpressed as well. way too expensive for meh.
May 5th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Thanks for all the replies – I’d be interested in trying out some of their other sandwiches if I ever get to go to one. Which will probably be not too soon. I was wondering if there’s an equivalent small hambo on the West coast – but not sold at the big fast food chains (i.e. burger buddy things, like from BK)
May 6th, 2010 at 6:19 am
It does seem odd that they’re actually *cheaper* in the real restaurant… Especially if you buy the 30 pack “Crave Case” for a little over $10. And btw, you only need to travel as far as the midwest — they’re all over Missouri, Illinois, Wisconsin, etc.
May 6th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I have only been to WC once, and I can’t remember anything about it . We had built it up to be a must-stop on our road trip, so the fact that I can’t remember it makes me think it must have been pretty unremarkable. I’ve seen boxes of the things at Sav-A-Lot but I just couldn’t get myself to buy one. Thanks for taking one for the team!
May 6th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
In-n-out is amazing. Now I want a double double. Thanks a lot.
May 10th, 2010 at 10:54 am
I found them horrid too, but bought them because they were on sale for 2/$5 and I had a 50cent coupon they doubled. Even for $1.50 for six of them I still felt ripped off. Wish I liked cheap food :sigh.
May 11th, 2010 at 10:53 am
I’ve never been to White Castle (the closest one is like.. 5 hours away?), but i’ve tried the frozen burgers. Sorry, not a fan of choppy little onions on my soggy sandwich..
May 12th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I have to agree with Clevegal42, that they’re not for everyone. My entire family loves them. You find White Castles in the NYC boroughs. As someone else mentioned, you can pick up a crave case, I eat about 8 of them myself. I think the cheese ones are best, my mother likes the plain ones, so we’ll split the box 1/2 and 1/2. I live in CT and will occasionally pick up the frozen ones at Save-A-Lot to get my fix. While they aren’t like fresh, they are just enough to get your fix. You can also add a piece of deli american cheese (Kraft singles melt and burn fast in the micro) to the frozen.
The burgers themselves are steam fried. They put a layer of chopped onions on the grill and then place the patties on top to cook. The steam from the onions helps to cook the burgers and also adds flavor.
May 16th, 2010 at 10:34 am
i’ve had both innout and wc and i prefer innout but they are so different it is hard to compare. first of all, in n out has always emphasized freshness while white castle focuses on junk food cravings. the little sliders are fun to eat but give me a stomachache later.
May 19th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
I don’t know if White Castle sliders are actually good, but there is nothing else in the world that tastes like them. And then there’s the novelty of having sooo many at a time.
Texture-wise, they don’t really taste like meat. The bun, onions, patty, and cheese all mush together. They are very fragrant and inhale-able.
In Chicago, they are usually bulk shared during times with friends (after a night out, moving day, hang out snacks, etc.) so there is that fun emotional connection with them.
May 22nd, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Fred Meyer’s (Krogers) has a frozen cheeseburger called Stackers that’s tiny, comes in two-packs, no onions. They’re OK for me, but they might work for you.
May 22nd, 2010 at 7:55 pm
When I was a kid they cost 12 cents and was a great place for a cheap date…..but they do not taste the same today……
June 15th, 2010 at 11:08 am
My first job was at White Castle so let me give you some information into this decidedly midwestern and east coast tradition. White Castle “slyders” got their name because they do just that…slide down your throat because of the slimy texture of the burger. They achieve this because of their cooking method – steam-grilled over a bed of onions. Essentially they heat of a standard cooking surface and then cover it in a layer of onions, which they allow to brown. Then they place the frozen patties onto the layer of onions and cover it with a hood to “lock in the moisture”. After 4 minutes they open the hood and flip the patties. This is where they will stay until purchase. Depending on how long they’ve sat on the grill will be the deciding factor on what makes it a true “slyder” (I really hate this trademarked spelling). The optimum time to experience the true “gut bomb slider” is between 2-3 am. The burgers have more than likely been “stewing” in the onion juices for a good half-hour or more due to the relative slowness of business. It’s at this time that things pick up as bars are closing and people are looking for something that’ll “hit the spot”. Oh, it’ll hit the spot alright.
When the customer orders the burgers, the prep person will “nuke” the number of buns required to soften them. They will then load the patties, onions and all, onto the buns. If they ordered cheese castles then a slice of American is placed on the patty and then thrown into the microwave for a 10 seconds to “melt”. 2-3 pickles are then placed on top, the top bun placed, and then stuffed into the burger carrier.
Want a sure-fire way to piss off a WC employee? Order a plain “slyder”. This means no onions. Basically they’ll have to fire up a clean grill (if they hadn’t had the foresight to fire it up beforehand for just this sort of insanity) and cook you your patties. Why don’t they do this already? Because this is White Castle…you want no onions? Go somewhere else.
Wow, that got long-winded…sorry, just wanted to let you know what all the fuss is about. And as for people slagging on In-and-Out…are they nuts? I’ve only been out west once and I ate there every day….best “fast food” burgers ever.
June 15th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
@MikeN – yeah, a friend who used to live in Midwest mentioned they had ‘em in Illinois. Good to know, even if there’s just as little chance I’ll get out that far too.
@adam – White Castle is definitly on my Must-Stop list if I ever get out that way, just for the heck of it if anything
@ellen – you’re welcome. I’m so glad In-N-Out is relatively far away. Otherwise I’d have an extra 50lbs on me.
@franticwoman – cheap food likes me, but I don’t necessarily like cheap food. It is weird.
@cat – I agree. I’m still wondering if the onions would taste better on there, well, if I was drunk or such.
@dave – whoah, eight of them? BTW, I’ve been wondering what is the record for number of White Castle slyders eaten in a sitting.
@sarah – I realized later on that it’s sort of unfair to compare In-N-Out directly w/ White Castle as well.
@mssmartypants – I remember picking up a party pack of Jack In The Box tacos for a small get-together watching a hockey playoff game. Dang, those things are nasty, but I think it’s just the fact that it’s a party (and there was lots of beer) that made it fun. So maybe the slyders would be the same way…
@tracylee – I’ve put those Stackers on my list of cheap food to look for..
@mickey – holy guacamole, I’ve finally found someone older than I am on this blog =)
@josh – I actually really appreciate the comment and the description of what goes into it from an employees’ point of view. Awesome. It’s always really cool to hear from the trenches, and, I must again salute anyone working in the fast food industry. If anything, all this talk about White Castle has made me really want to go visit one. I don’t have any plans for awhile to travel east, but you can bet that I’ll visit one if we go that way in the future. Thanks again for the post!
June 16th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
I just flew into Ohio this past weekend and was very excited to try white castle. Between the movie and the legends I couldn’t find a drive through fast enough. Your microwave experience sounds exactly like mine. I don’t know how people can eat this and call it food. I love burgers and I love fast food, but this was one of the worst meals I’ve ever had.
June 25th, 2010 at 2:47 am
I just flew into Ohio this past weekend and was very excited to try white castle. Between the movie and the legends I couldn’t find a drive through fast enough. Your microwave experience sounds exactly like mine. I don’t know how people can eat this and call it food. I love burgers and I love fast food, but this was one of the worst meals I’ve ever had.
July 2nd, 2010 at 8:23 am
First of all frozen white Castle hamburgers are expensive and disgusting.
You need to get them fresh for that unique taste, period.
But White Castle burgers are a love it or leave it proposition.
They are not healthy and quite expensive. White castle is no bargain.
I like them every now and then.
My wife and kids will not even go near the place.
Honestly, I don’t know how they survived this long. This chain is a product of the Great Depression and the hamburger shows.
I’d much rather go to Wendy’s or McDonalds.
However, the drunks love it they are most crowded at night.
July 9th, 2010 at 12:24 am
i had picked them up at my local grocery store a couple days ago, and never having white castle burgers (I live in Texas) i wanted to give them a try, overall not including the price I would give it 2 out of ten, if you can put some time away to make some sliders and freeze them, you can make em for maybe 25 cents (but by a long shot) and they will taste way better