No matter what dollar store I walk into, I always seem to walk out with some sort of chili. These things just happen. I’ve come to accept it rather than fight it.

It doesn’t matter which hockey team is winning, who’s running for president or what I ate last night. These cans of chili inevitably find their way into my hands.

And onto my plate for review. I’m no stranger to chili from a can. Previously, we’ve reviewed Hormel Chili w/ Beans. I’m somewhat surprised that’s the only real product review yet, not counting the posts about free Weinerschnitzel.

Anyhow, I’m going to run this review a little different. One thing that happens when you do a lot of reviewing (at least for me) is that you end up with a ton of different products that you’ve eaten but haven’t reviewed. If I was to review every single thing that came across my plate, I’d be doing 5 reviews a week non-stop. That’s too crazy.

So, what I often do is take notes. You’re going to laugh - just imagine me sitting with a bowl of chili, bread in one hand, pen in the other, and writing down my deepest darkest feelings about this lumpy, pseudo meat-bean product so they won’t be forgotten.

But the thing is - I WILL forget if I don’t write them down. For instance, I ate this Brooks Thick Chili with Beans almost a month ago. Without notes, I’d completely forget how it tasted. You can’t seriously expect me to eat several cans of this stuff in a month, right? Hm… I guess it would depend how cheap it was.

Anyhow, I’m just going to type in the exact notes as I scribbled them down furiously. You may or may not find this extremely boring, sorry if the former:

Brooks Chili

Overall: Surprisingly low salt(although 44% daily val sodium!), color nice red as chili shoudl be, a tiny bit gummy from the beans but OK.

Spice not too strong, I could have it stronger but suppose it’s better so can taylor [sic] it.

Beans: pinto soft cooked, nice, a little bland if you just eat it plain, pasty to some perhaps.

Ground beef: better than some, but nothing to write home about pretty much pureed, instead of large chunks - reminds me of J in the Balpha tacos.

Heat - barely there at the back of mouth. Could use Tabasco.

Continue reading “Brooks Chili W/ Beans” …

I have to say that I purchased this can of Chicken Noodle Soup entirely for the title that the review would produce. This product is called “Thank You Chicken Noodle Soup”. I kid you not. The brand is called “Thank You”, though I believe the megacompany behind it is actually Bird’s Eye Foods.

I also got it because I thought I could somehow work a cynical comment to the effect of: “Thank You Chicken Soup? No, thank you.” Man, that’s low hanging fruit - a Cheap Eats reviewer’s work is just too easy. Little did I know how emphatically I would be saying “No Thank You” to this soup!

Even though I knew that this would probably rank on the “lower end scale” of chicken noodle soups, I wasn’t prepared for how cloudy and glutinous the actual soup was. Well, I usually add water to these non-condensed soups anyhow, but I decided to try it without water for the review.

In my opinion, it was absolutely horrible. The broth itself had a strange, dogfood-esque and metallic (no doubt from the can), off-putting yet bland flavor - if that’s even possible. I had to take several slugs of vodka afterwards to remove the taste which lingered around like a bad second date that has no chance of even stealing first base… OK, I’m kidding about the vodka. But I did feel like I had to use some mouthwash afterwards.

The cloudy broth is remarkably similar to the corn-starch thickened soup they serve for “free” at the innumerable Hong Kong style cafes near our house. Except this tasted much, much worse. I don’t think I’ve had soup this bad in awhile.

The noodles are thin rectangles that are sort of like Campbell’s but extra soft. No bite at all to them. The chicken texture was ok, but the taste was really off. It had an extremely bad “iron” taste - I think it’s the same thing with it being from the aluminum can. I actually found myself spitting out the chicken for the first time. The carrots and celery were very soft - great for your toothless Cheap Eater uncle I guess. Not that this isn’t usually what you get in canned soup.

The whole ensemble was very, very bad. I’m not saying that Progresso or Campbell’s soup is light years better, but… wait, yes they ARE light years better if you’re going to pay a similar amount. I mean, they occasionally have these brands at Big Lots for a dollar too. If I’m going to fork over a dollar for canned soup, please let it NOT be the Thank You brand in the future. This is soup chemistry gone horribly bad. I actually couldn’t finish more than a few spoons, and that’s saying a LOT seeing what I’ve scarfed down before. Absolutely sickening - NO thank you. Experimental Jet Set, Trash and NO STAR.

Price:$1.00
Found At:Big Lots
Cheap Eats Score: 2/10

Heading into the long weekend, I’m going to feed your need for Gross Eats on Cheap Eats. I sincerely hope this doesn’t spoil your appetites for the upcoming BBQ I know you’ll be pigging out at. If you have an aversion to closeups of seafood, please turn away now.

I have to admit I was in a bit of an Andrew Zimmern mood as I waltzed down the aisles at Big Lots the other day. I’d avoided Ocean Prince Smoked Oysters even though I’ve seen them as cheap as 75 cents on occasion. These were marked up to a buck fifteen, but I figured it was high time I faced them down like a man. (Or woman, for those of you who keep thinking I’m a girl.)

Now, I’ve had oysters from cans before and they never look very pretty. In fact, they look downright nasty or even scary. But they’ve tasted pretty good and I usually fry ‘em up anyhow so they don’t look as bad. But I’ve never had smoked oysters before and I’ve always wondered how they differed in taste.

I took the liberty of cutting off the post here, so if you don’t wish to look at gross oyster pictures you can go ahead start the July 4 weekend. But for those with stomachs of steel, read on…

Continue reading “Smoked Oysters” …

I must have some sort of terrible, ingrained barf-wish when it comes to Cheap Eats from a can.

For the past couple years, against my better judgement, I’ve been eyeing all of the Chef Boyardee products whenever I see them on sale at the supermarket. Never you mind that my earlier experiences with these canned acts of violenzz toward my stomach have been altogether diarrhetic. Something just draws me to the poofy white be-hatted smiling Italian grandpa on the label.

I don’t have a clue what it is in the cans that affects me. Whenever I’ve tried Spaghetti-Os, Ravioli, or other canned pasta creations by father figure Boyardee I’ve had some very bad reactions. Downtime usually ranges from 1-3 days of out-of-commission toilet duty. It’s always put me off for a few years until like the proverbial moth drawn toward the bug zapper, I’ve again flown back toward these canned nuclear pasta bombs of disaster.

So, it had been way too long - maybe 5 years already. I was due. It was on sale, so these 99% Fat Free Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli landed in my shopping cart with a thud. A buck to load up my stomach with Russian Roulette. Heavenly.

Earlier, there was some sort of special on Food Network (must have been Unwrapped) where they profiled Chef Boyardee products. I have to confess that seeing that show is probably what caused me to give it another try. Especially when the host (Mark whateverhisnameis) absolutely GUSHED at how delicious that sauce was which was one of its major selling factors back in the day. I don’t doubt it was amazing originally, but it’s gotta be a far cry from the canned product of today.

I ended up picking up the Beef Ravioli instead of Spaghettios at Albertson’s. 99% Fat free as well - for you health conscious readers. I probably shoulda checked Big Lots or the Dollar Store for something cheaper.

My favorite thing about the can is how big the “Look! - Easy Open Top” arrow was. As if an easy open can was compensation for the culinary malaise to come. If you detect a negative attitude here, well, I really wanted to hate Chef Boyardee because of what it’s done to my insides in the past.

Continue reading “Chef Boyardee Ravioli” …

Oh boy, sorry about the delay with the postingness this week. I was too busy trying to locate the dirty nickels and dimes under the backseat of the Dodge so that I’d have enough coinage to purchase the prime real estate being offered for sale next to the Hollywood sign. I plan on setting up a competing sign that says “Cheap Eats” right next to it in order to get the word out. It’s only 22 million. My word, that’s pocket change after all the cash I saved eating ramen for dinner this year.

In other news, (the kind that’s based more on things like Reality) the actual reason I’m late is… I was planning on reviewing this little can of Armour Vienna Sausage that I got this week at the Dollar Store. Yes, yes - I know everyone’s shopping at these 99 Cent stores now that there’s a recession. But I got distracted by the prospect of writing a parody of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” wherein I substitute the “Nevermore” lines with “Dollar Store.” Thusly:

“Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I crammed, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious Cup ‘O Noodles.
Bored, while I nodded, nearly snacking,
Suddenly there came a crackling,
As of Twinkies gently unwrapping,
unwrapping at my dormroom door.
“‘Tis some dude,” I muttered,
“Wanting snacks implores, ‘Hey —
Let’s go to, the Dollar Store’”

Wow, that’s just too much effort to write stuff like that. I don’t know how Alton does it - oh that’s right, he has a gazbillion dollar budget.

Actually, that wasn’t the only reason this review is late. The real reason is that I’ve been staring with trepidation at that stolid little can of Frankenstein Franks on my desk for days now. For some reason, this time around I just didn’t have the courage to pull the tab on top. It didn’t help that somehow I picked out a can that had dents on it. Usually, I’m really careful about checking cans for dents but this one snuck through.

Finally, I got up the nerve to open the can and was greeted by the following wonderful geometrical meat-log layout:

Boy, they sure cram them in there. Not a millimeter to spare between the snausages. I was actually quite impressed they could fit 7 of the 2 inch logs in the can. I had a bit of a time getting them out without damaging them sort of had to tilt the can upside down and shake, like you do with Spam.

They were so tightly packed in there that they were stuck together a bit. This is rather nice and dramatic for taking pictures, as seen above. It’s almost like - cut fingers. Man, I needed to wipe that thought out of my head before tasting them.

I’m familiar with Vienna sausages - I always thought of them as Earthquake food. If you don’t live in California, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Well, it’s a good idea to keep a cache of canned food, water and a safety kit in several places in the house (and at work, and in your car) just in case The Big One™ doth strike.

The more preservatives in the food - the better. Otherwise, you’re going to have replace those cans every few years. Or not, I guess. Twinkies…

Anyhow, they’re made of chicken, beef and pork in chicken broth. I won’t begin to speculate on what parts of the three various animals are used. To me, they’re very similar to hot dogs in ingredients. However, they’ve got a “special” smell that’s hard to describe. If you’ve ever had Corned Beef Hash from a can, that’s what it smells like. Maybe also similar to Spam. My advice: Do Not Stop to Smell the Sausages. No. Proceed to mouth, pass go, and collect your $200.

The consistency is also a bit different than hot dogs. There is no “snap” whatsoever when you bite into one. It’s like a paté or something. It’s not as “fatty” as spam is. The taste is - well, interesting. I want to say it’s sort of bologna-ish. But not as good. Armour claims that they are the #1 brand of Vienna Sausage in America. All I can say is, I sure would not like to taste the #3 or #4 brand…

There is some occasional speck of “grit” you’ll notice when eating these. I was wondering if it’s ground up bone or something. I think any irregularities are more noticeable than in other meat puree products because the texture of Vienna Sausages is so fine.

To be truthful, I could only eat two of these doggies. That’s probably a good thing, since the recommended dosage is only three. And with that you get 17% of your total fat (19% of saturated fat), 14% of your cholesterol and 17% of your sodium. I ate mine at room temperature, plain. I was wondering - are there recipes for these Vienna Sausages? Is there a Vienna Sausage Cult I don’t know about? I’ve only had them plain, usually impaled on a toothpick as some sort of hors d’oeuvres. I wonder if people actually cook with them.

I don’t think they’ll be making a move into the main cupboard. For me, they’re going to remain as Earthquake Food rations. But at 50 cents for the one can, they seem like a decent buy for emergency food.

Edit: I actually fried up the remainder in a pan the next day, and I have to say they tasted a whole lot better. Still salty like heck, but if you eat it with toast or rice, it’s fine.

Price: $0.50 for 5oz can (7 sausages)
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10

Awhile ago, a friend of my wife’s had given her this can of Glory Foods Seasoned New Orleans Style Red Beans And Rice, so I decided to get it into the review queue. I have to say that I’ve never heard of this brand before so I just assumed it was another forsaken waif relegated to the shelves of the dollar store. According to the friend, however, it’s a standard item you can get at any grocery store.

I’m also not sure if this isn’t going to turn into one of those reviews like the one on my namesake Bryan’s Tamales where my regional culinary ignorance is once again put on display. Seriously, I had no idea about the MS Delta Tamale Trail until I saw it on Food Network. So people DO eat those tiny wax paper wrapped tamale things on a regular basis…

This 15 oz can of Red Beans and Rice says “New Orleans Style” on the front. Although I’ve been to New Orleans earlier for a few days, I’ve never had red beans and rice at a restaurant over there. So I have no idea if this is a popular regional thing or not - but I’m assuming it is. Hopping onto their website, I saw that Glory Foods makes a ton of different types of canned, frozen and fresh food. In particular, they do a ton of different types of southern style canned beans, peas and veggies which somewhat reassured me this might be a halfway decent brand of Cheap Eats.

Anyhow, I dumped the can of rice and beans into a pot and settled in to wait for it to boil up. My first impression of the mix is that it is actually had much more liquid than I thought it was going to have. I had pictured it being drier but it actually looked sort of like bean soup with rice. It was very viscuous as well - in a way the consistency of the sauce reminded me of when you dump a can of kidney beans out and there’s all that red-brown liquid left over. Reading the label, I saw that a main ingredient was red bean flour so perhaps that’s where it’s coming from.

The red beans and rice warmed up quickly, about the same time it takes for a similar sized can of chili. I dumped it into a dish and took up a spoon.

Continue reading “Glory Red Beans And Rice” …

Hey friends. Happy Belated Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there. And what better way to commemorate that day with a post about … sardines?

Yep. I’ll have to do a bit of explaining what sardines have to do with Father’s Day, at least for me. But first… hello! I haven’t posted in awhile after taking a “vacation.” I’d like to explain a little bit about why I took that vacation. No, Cheap Eats is NOT being bought out by Yahoo. For the past 2 years or so, I’ve suffered from a right shoulder and back ailment that’s most likely due to overzealous mousing. I finally decided to have it looked at by an orthopedic doctor and his conclusion was yes, Houston we do have a problem. He prescribed some anti-inflammatory and relaxant medicine, recommended a change in what side I sleep on, and generally said to ease up on the computerizing.

It has been mucho tough to try and not use the computer (I average 8-12 hours a day usage), but I’ve tried. Besides actually going outdoors into the sunshine, part of the strategy is to prioritize the usage. And Cheap Eats being a blog… well, it’s not exactly high on the list of necessary items. So, because I’m still trying to work on healing (otherwise, I’ll have to try physical therapy), the schedule for Cheap Eats is going to have to remain “every so often” instead of every week. I don’t expect everyone to throw their hands up in despair, but I know there are a few people who read the blog regularly - and I just wanted you to know that if you don’t see an update for a few weeks, that’s the reason why.

Ok, personal problems aside. Let’s get back to sardines. Here’s how the story goes. Apparently, when my dad was in college at the University of Washington, like many college kids he wasn’t exactly rolling in the dough. So, to make ends meet he’d skimp on the food side. A true Cheap Eater back in the day. This was back in the early 60s, when there weren’t so many fast food joints to choose from.

So anyway, one of the things he used to do was get a tin of sardines and heat that up and just eat that with some rice and maybe some veggies. A pitiful repast - I think I got that phrase from The Dharma Bums (the little bum in the railway car), but I’m not sure.

The thing is, dad really LIKED the meals of sardines and rice. (I think maybe this may have something to do with him being from a certain little rock in the middle of the ocean, often referred to in The Impulsive Buy.) So in honor of dad, I decided to crack open a can of sardines from the Dollar Store. Oh yes, certainly flirting with danger.

The first thing you are probably going to say is OMG, Nast! It does look a bit pitiful, but that’s only because I wasn’t succesfuly in scooping the lil’ fishies out of their tin without scraping off a lot of the skin which is very thin. Oh, another helpful note: Do NOT run in the kitchen with an open tin full of sardines and juice - unless you want a very fishy floor!

Continue reading “Deep Cove Sardines” …