I’m not going to lie to you. I like the word “Kibbles.”

It just rolls off the tongue nicely, like a bottle of Albertsons vodka mixed with OJ (not Simpson). It also rhymes with Tribbles, which is handy in case I’m ever writing a Star Trek limerick. Finally, it goes along nicely with the word “Bits.” This gives you the canine culinary creation: Kibbles ‘n Bits.

What does Hartford House Beef Stew have to do with Kibbles ‘n Bits?

Come on, Eileen. You can do the math yourself…

Truth be told, this can of stew was part of my earthquake food supply kit. But seeing as how the date on the can was getting a little close to the expiration date (really, 1/13/11 is coming up way faster than you think), I thought I’d crack it open and have some stew on a cold, windy day.

Thank god I opened it now, because if I had to eat this after an earthquake, I might throw it up. Now I can go and replace it with something tame like Spam or Vienna Sausages.

Do you know the buttery, fungus paste that grows between your toes if you don’t take a shower for a few days? Oh no, it doesn’t taste anything like that. Not that I would compare it to something like that, on penalty of being banned for life from the Dollar Store by the cabal of food manufacturers that puts out this crud. I smell libel, I smell suit.

No, this was probably not as bad as I’m making it out to be. But after eating luxurious frozen food for a few weeks, it was rather disturbing.

On the surface, this is your typical canned beef stew with potatoes, carrots, and “meat”. Speaking of “on the surface”, when I first wrestled the can open (note to self: make sure to include high quality can opener in emergency earthquake supply) there was about a 1/4 cup worth of orange blobbity on the top of the can. Oh cool, I thought - some pureed carrots to thicken the stew. Not so fast, Bugs Bunny.

I dunno what it really was - probably a combination of lard, grease, oil, tomato paste and spices. I mean, I see a bit of that inside the top of nearly every can of Chili or soup I open up. But there was just gobs and gobs of that orange stuff, and it was harder than Ronald McDonald’s arteries after ingesting 55 Big Macs.

But you know what they say - if you’re going to play with fire, you might as well stick your whole hand in. Uh, any 10 year old kids, disregard that last sentence. I scooped most of the orange goo back into the can and just heated it up. Once I got it all mixed up, the orange color wasn’t as noticeable. The stew took on the consistency of glue, or maybe some of that Fix-All that we use to fill up holes in the wall. At least it wasn’t gritty like spackle.

I guess the potato pieces were pretty standard, and the carrot pieces, while small and pasty, were at least unremarkable enough that I could eat them. The sauce had a strange flavor, somewhat like buttered popcorn mixed with coagulated blood. I think it has something to do with the “tin can” effect, where you get foods picking up a metallic taste. It was VERY noticeable. I tasted it in the sauce and meat mostly.

Now, that meat - here’s where we get into the Kibbles part. It was like eating dog food. I’m not claiming that Hormel Chili or any of those other cans of stew have superb chunks of meat. But these little beef shmears were like the tiny hairball gems that my cat upchucks every so often. I just could not get past the taste and texture. Maybe if they were larger, or if they stuck some more spices in it to fake out my taste buds. Anything else, please, anything.

Would I eat this if I was starving? Sure. Last I checked, eating bad stew is an excellent alternative to starving. But I think I’m going to have to go back to the dollar store to get something else. Sorry, Hartford House (I seem to have liked your Corned Beef Hash better). It’s probably unfair to compare this to Kibbles ‘n Bits. I don’t even have a dog. But if I did, I think I would trade him his Kibbles for this stew.

Price: $1
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 1/10

Deep in a lead-shielded, missile-proof bunker 1000 feet underground in Scuttlefishville, AZ:

“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you here today. We’re ramping up to Defcon 3.14159 in just a few minutes. Outgoing ICBM missile launches have been detected all over the world. We’re in for multiple strikes in all the major cities. Boom. It’s not going to be pretty. We’ll be down here safeguarding the nation’s secrets for at least the next 10 years or so.”

“Lieutenant Vonnegut, give me a status report on our basic neccesities.”

“Sir, all the necessary supplies and rations are in place for the coming siege. We should be able to survive down here for over 20 years. For consumibles, we have 1,580,000 cans of Spam, 1,650,000 cans of Corn Niblets, 130,000 boxes of Twinkies, 730,000 cans Vienna Sausages, 950,000 cans of Chef Boyardi, 740,000 cans of Progresso Soup, 55,000 packs of Lime Jello, 4,230,000 bottles of Gatorade, 1,200,000 cans of Refried Beans and 653 cans of Beanee Weenee.

“Very good, Lieutenant. Hand me one of those cans of Beanee Weenee. And a spoon. Let’s start this war off right.”

And so it goes… and so on.

OK, I originally was going to write a whole fricking post-apocolyptic Vonnegut-ish play in 3 acts for this review which would star the aforementioned Beanee Weenee falling into enemy hands and causing a collapse of the economy which was based in Beanee Weenee Bucks. It would end with a time travelling anthropomorphic Steller Sea Lion who would arrive with a cache of the beans to save the day.

But lucky for you, I’ve got writer’s block this afternoon.

Truthfully, Beanee Weenee has always been a sort of mythological canned food for me. I just knew the name and hadn’t even looked for it in the supermarket. I had a feeling it was one of those “legendary” rural foods that no one talks about but everyone has in their cupboard. Like those Bryan Tamales. I’m just way to lazy to research it more - so please tell me if indeed it is some sort of famous delicacy that’s been around for years and years.

Anyhow, I came across some cans at the Dollar Store, and I just couldn’t pass it up. The first thing I need to say about Beanee Weenee is that they have spelled it wrong. Oh yes, I do know a potatoe from a potato. Or, I often fool myself into thinking that I do. I keep wanting to write Beanie Weanie or Beanie Wienie.

The second thing I need to say is that this is one of those “eat cold or hot” deals. I’m not sure why you would eat it cold, unless you were stuck 1000 feet underground in a lead shielded bunker like the protagonist in my aborted narrative above. But hey, wouldn’t they have a microwave or stove down there?

There was no way I was going to scarf this can of pork and beans cold. I popped the top (bonus “emergency food” points for not requiring a can opener) and poured the pitiful repast into a little pot with a lid. It warmed up quickly. I then poured it into a bowl and consumed it in 5 minutes. Man, the things I do for Cheap Eats.

Continue reading “Beanee Weenee” …

No matter what dollar store I walk into, I always seem to walk out with some sort of chili. These things just happen. I’ve come to accept it rather than fight it.

It doesn’t matter which hockey team is winning, who’s running for president or what I ate last night. These cans of chili inevitably find their way into my hands.

And onto my plate for review. I’m no stranger to chili from a can. Previously, we’ve reviewed Hormel Chili w/ Beans. I’m somewhat surprised that’s the only real product review yet, not counting the posts about free Weinerschnitzel.

Anyhow, I’m going to run this review a little different. One thing that happens when you do a lot of reviewing (at least for me) is that you end up with a ton of different products that you’ve eaten but haven’t reviewed. If I was to review every single thing that came across my plate, I’d be doing 5 reviews a week non-stop. That’s too crazy.

So, what I often do is take notes. You’re going to laugh - just imagine me sitting with a bowl of chili, bread in one hand, pen in the other, and writing down my deepest darkest feelings about this lumpy, pseudo meat-bean product so they won’t be forgotten.

But the thing is - I WILL forget if I don’t write them down. For instance, I ate this Brooks Thick Chili with Beans almost a month ago. Without notes, I’d completely forget how it tasted. You can’t seriously expect me to eat several cans of this stuff in a month, right? Hm… I guess it would depend how cheap it was.

Anyhow, I’m just going to type in the exact notes as I scribbled them down furiously. You may or may not find this extremely boring, sorry if the former:

Brooks Chili

Overall: Surprisingly low salt(although 44% daily val sodium!), color nice red as chili shoudl be, a tiny bit gummy from the beans but OK.

Spice not too strong, I could have it stronger but suppose it’s better so can taylor [sic] it.

Beans: pinto soft cooked, nice, a little bland if you just eat it plain, pasty to some perhaps.

Ground beef: better than some, but nothing to write home about pretty much pureed, instead of large chunks - reminds me of J in the Balpha tacos.

Heat - barely there at the back of mouth. Could use Tabasco.

Continue reading “Brooks Chili W/ Beans” …

I have to say that I purchased this can of Chicken Noodle Soup entirely for the title that the review would produce. This product is called “Thank You Chicken Noodle Soup”. I kid you not. The brand is called “Thank You”, though I believe the megacompany behind it is actually Bird’s Eye Foods.

I also got it because I thought I could somehow work a cynical comment to the effect of: “Thank You Chicken Soup? No, thank you.” Man, that’s low hanging fruit - a Cheap Eats reviewer’s work is just too easy. Little did I know how emphatically I would be saying “No Thank You” to this soup!

Even though I knew that this would probably rank on the “lower end scale” of chicken noodle soups, I wasn’t prepared for how cloudy and glutinous the actual soup was. Well, I usually add water to these non-condensed soups anyhow, but I decided to try it without water for the review.

In my opinion, it was absolutely horrible. The broth itself had a strange, dogfood-esque and metallic (no doubt from the can), off-putting yet bland flavor - if that’s even possible. I had to take several slugs of vodka afterwards to remove the taste which lingered around like a bad second date that has no chance of even stealing first base… OK, I’m kidding about the vodka. But I did feel like I had to use some mouthwash afterwards.

The cloudy broth is remarkably similar to the corn-starch thickened soup they serve for “free” at the innumerable Hong Kong style cafes near our house. Except this tasted much, much worse. I don’t think I’ve had soup this bad in awhile.

The noodles are thin rectangles that are sort of like Campbell’s but extra soft. No bite at all to them. The chicken texture was ok, but the taste was really off. It had an extremely bad “iron” taste - I think it’s the same thing with it being from the aluminum can. I actually found myself spitting out the chicken for the first time. The carrots and celery were very soft - great for your toothless Cheap Eater uncle I guess. Not that this isn’t usually what you get in canned soup.

The whole ensemble was very, very bad. I’m not saying that Progresso or Campbell’s soup is light years better, but… wait, yes they ARE light years better if you’re going to pay a similar amount. I mean, they occasionally have these brands at Big Lots for a dollar too. If I’m going to fork over a dollar for canned soup, please let it NOT be the Thank You brand in the future. This is soup chemistry gone horribly bad. I actually couldn’t finish more than a few spoons, and that’s saying a LOT seeing what I’ve scarfed down before. Absolutely sickening - NO thank you. Experimental Jet Set, Trash and NO STAR.

Price:$1.00
Found At:Big Lots
Cheap Eats Score: 2/10

Heading into the long weekend, I’m going to feed your need for Gross Eats on Cheap Eats. I sincerely hope this doesn’t spoil your appetites for the upcoming BBQ I know you’ll be pigging out at. If you have an aversion to closeups of seafood, please turn away now.

I have to admit I was in a bit of an Andrew Zimmern mood as I waltzed down the aisles at Big Lots the other day. I’d avoided Ocean Prince Smoked Oysters even though I’ve seen them as cheap as 75 cents on occasion. These were marked up to a buck fifteen, but I figured it was high time I faced them down like a man. (Or woman, for those of you who keep thinking I’m a girl.)

Now, I’ve had oysters from cans before and they never look very pretty. In fact, they look downright nasty or even scary. But they’ve tasted pretty good and I usually fry ‘em up anyhow so they don’t look as bad. But I’ve never had smoked oysters before and I’ve always wondered how they differed in taste.

I took the liberty of cutting off the post here, so if you don’t wish to look at gross oyster pictures you can go ahead start the July 4 weekend. But for those with stomachs of steel, read on…

Continue reading “Smoked Oysters” …

I must have some sort of terrible, ingrained barf-wish when it comes to Cheap Eats from a can.

For the past couple years, against my better judgement, I’ve been eyeing all of the Chef Boyardee products whenever I see them on sale at the supermarket. Never you mind that my earlier experiences with these canned acts of violenzz toward my stomach have been altogether diarrhetic. Something just draws me to the poofy white be-hatted smiling Italian grandpa on the label.

I don’t have a clue what it is in the cans that affects me. Whenever I’ve tried Spaghetti-Os, Ravioli, or other canned pasta creations by father figure Boyardee I’ve had some very bad reactions. Downtime usually ranges from 1-3 days of out-of-commission toilet duty. It’s always put me off for a few years until like the proverbial moth drawn toward the bug zapper, I’ve again flown back toward these canned nuclear pasta bombs of disaster.

So, it had been way too long - maybe 5 years already. I was due. It was on sale, so these 99% Fat Free Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli landed in my shopping cart with a thud. A buck to load up my stomach with Russian Roulette. Heavenly.

Earlier, there was some sort of special on Food Network (must have been Unwrapped) where they profiled Chef Boyardee products. I have to confess that seeing that show is probably what caused me to give it another try. Especially when the host (Mark whateverhisnameis) absolutely GUSHED at how delicious that sauce was which was one of its major selling factors back in the day. I don’t doubt it was amazing originally, but it’s gotta be a far cry from the canned product of today.

I ended up picking up the Beef Ravioli instead of Spaghettios at Albertson’s. 99% Fat free as well - for you health conscious readers. I probably shoulda checked Big Lots or the Dollar Store for something cheaper.

My favorite thing about the can is how big the “Look! - Easy Open Top” arrow was. As if an easy open can was compensation for the culinary malaise to come. If you detect a negative attitude here, well, I really wanted to hate Chef Boyardee because of what it’s done to my insides in the past.

Continue reading “Chef Boyardee Ravioli” …

Oh boy, sorry about the delay with the postingness this week. I was too busy trying to locate the dirty nickels and dimes under the backseat of the Dodge so that I’d have enough coinage to purchase the prime real estate being offered for sale next to the Hollywood sign. I plan on setting up a competing sign that says “Cheap Eats” right next to it in order to get the word out. It’s only 22 million. My word, that’s pocket change after all the cash I saved eating ramen for dinner this year.

In other news, (the kind that’s based more on things like Reality) the actual reason I’m late is… I was planning on reviewing this little can of Armour Vienna Sausage that I got this week at the Dollar Store. Yes, yes - I know everyone’s shopping at these 99 Cent stores now that there’s a recession. But I got distracted by the prospect of writing a parody of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” wherein I substitute the “Nevermore” lines with “Dollar Store.” Thusly:

“Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I crammed, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious Cup ‘O Noodles.
Bored, while I nodded, nearly snacking,
Suddenly there came a crackling,
As of Twinkies gently unwrapping,
unwrapping at my dormroom door.
“‘Tis some dude,” I muttered,
“Wanting snacks implores, ‘Hey —
Let’s go to, the Dollar Store’”

Wow, that’s just too much effort to write stuff like that. I don’t know how Alton does it - oh that’s right, he has a gazbillion dollar budget.

Actually, that wasn’t the only reason this review is late. The real reason is that I’ve been staring with trepidation at that stolid little can of Frankenstein Franks on my desk for days now. For some reason, this time around I just didn’t have the courage to pull the tab on top. It didn’t help that somehow I picked out a can that had dents on it. Usually, I’m really careful about checking cans for dents but this one snuck through.

Finally, I got up the nerve to open the can and was greeted by the following wonderful geometrical meat-log layout:

Boy, they sure cram them in there. Not a millimeter to spare between the snausages. I was actually quite impressed they could fit 7 of the 2 inch logs in the can. I had a bit of a time getting them out without damaging them sort of had to tilt the can upside down and shake, like you do with Spam.

They were so tightly packed in there that they were stuck together a bit. This is rather nice and dramatic for taking pictures, as seen above. It’s almost like - cut fingers. Man, I needed to wipe that thought out of my head before tasting them.

I’m familiar with Vienna sausages - I always thought of them as Earthquake food. If you don’t live in California, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Well, it’s a good idea to keep a cache of canned food, water and a safety kit in several places in the house (and at work, and in your car) just in case The Big One™ doth strike.

The more preservatives in the food - the better. Otherwise, you’re going to have replace those cans every few years. Or not, I guess. Twinkies…

Anyhow, they’re made of chicken, beef and pork in chicken broth. I won’t begin to speculate on what parts of the three various animals are used. To me, they’re very similar to hot dogs in ingredients. However, they’ve got a “special” smell that’s hard to describe. If you’ve ever had Corned Beef Hash from a can, that’s what it smells like. Maybe also similar to Spam. My advice: Do Not Stop to Smell the Sausages. No. Proceed to mouth, pass go, and collect your $200.

The consistency is also a bit different than hot dogs. There is no “snap” whatsoever when you bite into one. It’s like a paté or something. It’s not as “fatty” as spam is. The taste is - well, interesting. I want to say it’s sort of bologna-ish. But not as good. Armour claims that they are the #1 brand of Vienna Sausage in America. All I can say is, I sure would not like to taste the #3 or #4 brand…

There is some occasional speck of “grit” you’ll notice when eating these. I was wondering if it’s ground up bone or something. I think any irregularities are more noticeable than in other meat puree products because the texture of Vienna Sausages is so fine.

To be truthful, I could only eat two of these doggies. That’s probably a good thing, since the recommended dosage is only three. And with that you get 17% of your total fat (19% of saturated fat), 14% of your cholesterol and 17% of your sodium. I ate mine at room temperature, plain. I was wondering - are there recipes for these Vienna Sausages? Is there a Vienna Sausage Cult I don’t know about? I’ve only had them plain, usually impaled on a toothpick as some sort of hors d’oeuvres. I wonder if people actually cook with them.

I don’t think they’ll be making a move into the main cupboard. For me, they’re going to remain as Earthquake Food rations. But at 50 cents for the one can, they seem like a decent buy for emergency food.

Edit: I actually fried up the remainder in a pan the next day, and I have to say they tasted a whole lot better. Still salty like heck, but if you eat it with toast or rice, it’s fine.

Price: $0.50 for 5oz can (7 sausages)
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10