I think I’m suffering from selective pasta amnesia.

The reason I think a part of my brain is on the fritz is that, try as I might, I don’t recall Spaghettios that included “donut holes” in the mix along with the hoops.

What in the world is going on?

I’m just an Unfrozen Caveman Cheap Eats Editor. All these extra pasta shapes confuse me.

To be honest, I probably haven’t had Spaghettios since my youthful Camping Days - and probably only a few times at that. This kind of pasta in a can was banned in our household except during special motorhome trips when it just felt right to eat. It’s probably for the best anyway, because as I’ve mentioned, I’ve always felt bad after eating Chef Boyardee and similar products.

Anyhow, back to the stupefying inclusion of the inner pasta dots along with the O’s. I’m surprised there aren’t riots in the streets. If you look at the picture on the can, there aren’t any little pasta dots. I just see the O’s, meatballs, and gooey, splashing sauce. As a sidenote: the “liveliness” of the pasta in the picture is a little disturbing. It almost looks like it’s alive. Some sort of viral spaghetti and meatballs that’s about to latch onto your face and telepathically feed you nightmares featuring irate Italian chefs waving cleavers. The Horror.

But yep, there are no pasta dots in the can picture. I wish the product was called Spaghettios with Dots and Meatballs so I wouldn’t get confused. I guess it makes since for them to include them in the can, otherwise they’d go to waste. Last I checked, there is no Home for Wayward Pasta Dots just yet. And they taste pretty much the same.

Oh, the taste. I’ve often written about my dislike of “sweet” things - this usually applies to tomato based products as well. There are only a few brands of spaghetti sauce that we can tolerate (Hunt’s in a can is one of them).

But for some reason, I rather enjoy the oversweetened orangey sauce that comes in these products. I’m not quite sure why, maybe my Sweet taste buds get all nostalgic for it. It has a fairly decent flavor, and I like that it’s very cheesey tasting. Afterwards, I had a slight taste of tin can in my mouth that was difficult to wash out. I find this often happens with canned food that contains tomato products. It wasn’t as bad as some of the other canned tomato items, but it was still noticeable.

The meatballs are tiny 3/4 inch perfect spheres of pureed beef-water-breadcrumb mixture. Incidentally, I keep wanting to type “metaballs” instead of “meatballs“. Something to do with a habit of typing “metadata” I guess. Hmm… MetaMeatBalls.

The noodles are pretty much your plain Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup type of soft, overcooked pasta product. They aren’t spectacular, and you pretty much don’t even notice much about them. It’s like they’re just there to fill up the rest of the empty space that the metameatballs don’t cover.

Anyhow, I guess you aren’t going for texture in this product. I pretty much just wolf the whole thing down - if it wasn’t for the meatballs, I wouldn’t even chew.

The price on this can was a buck fifty at F&E, which I thought at first was kind of reasonable. However, the other day, I think I saw a 26 oz. can of Spaghettios (nearly twice as large) for only a dollar. But I don’t recall if it was plain Spaghettios or if it had the meatballs in it. Surely the meatball variety costs more? Anyhow, the end result is that I upped the review score on this a bit because I’m assuming you can get it for cheaper than I did.

So the surprising thing is that I didn’t feel ill at all after eating this. I don’t know what’s happened. It’s either that they’ve done something to the main recipe over the years to prevent it from irritating my bowels, or my stomach has taken a strange liking to these canned spaghetti products.

For the sake of my health, I sincerely hope it’s not the latter. The last thing I need is the OK to ingest this stuff on a daily basis. It’s almost like it was a GOOD thing that it used to make me feel sick - that way I didn’t eat it very often. As for the stupidity of eating things that you know make you sick - I’m like one of those folks who occasionally hit their heads against the kitchen counter to see if there’s a different result than the last time.

Actually, I’ve been thinking maybe my pasta shape amnesia has been brought on by that very action of me smacking my head on the counter. Or maybe, the dots aren’t really there and I’m just hallucinating them!

All in a day’s work.

Price: $1.50 for 4.75 oz. can
Found At: Fresh and Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 6/10

Glue.

That would be how I would describe this Fresh and Easy Spaghetti with Meat Sauce if I could only use a single word.

On the subject of less words: I’ve noticed that my reviews here are often long-winded and gratuitously long. I was thinking maybe I should start up some sort of “25 Word Reviews” on Cheap Eats in order to both save my time and your sanity. Anyhow, that’s Cheap Food for thought.

Before I begin to give this spaghetti meal a well-deserved drubbing, I just want to remind everybody that I’m the latest Fresh and Easy fanboy to be converted to their prepared foods. I love Fresh and Easy so much that I wrote a love letter to them earlier. I just want to get that out into the open in case you think I’m backsliding there. One crappy meal isn’t going to change my love for them. Hmm…. that sounds like song lyrics. But I’ll spare you the horror…

Truthfully, a majority of their stuff is really good and cheap - especially if you can sneak in between the gargantuan whales who crowd the F&E discount bin. Luckily, I have skinny arms so I can snake my way in and grab some of the discounted food. On occasion, however, I’ve grabbed a whale flipper by mistake.

This meal is a refrigerated, fully cooked meal of Spaghetti with Meat Sauce. I have to admit this wasn’t my first choice, but it’s what I was able to grab and it was fairly cheap at a dollar fifty for 12 oz. of food. So I went with it.

I somewhat regret it.

Now, I’ve had meals like this before - usually frozen, but sometimes fresh. And the biggest concern with pre-cooked spaghetti is that if it’s not done correctly, it deteriorates or gets clumped together. The taste of the sauce is usually not a problem - it’s the consistency of the noodles which is crucial.

This spaghetti tasted like glue.

It could also be because it was getting near it’s due date, but this spaghetti just tasted horrible. It was like someone got a bushel of hot cooked spaghetti and left it out for a few hours so that it congealed together. I know fricken Alton Brown and all the other fun-alicious Food Network chefs say never to rinse hot cooked pasta. However, if it’s going to be for a prepared meal like this, and you don’t rinse and cool it correctly, it’s going to turn into glue.

But you can see from the picture above that it looks pretty decent. The overall flavor of the sauce was: Meh, just OK. It had a normal tomato taste, not heavily spiced, and in fact a little on the bland side. Which is saying quite a bit for me, since I usually think things are too salty or spiced. The sauce featured ground beef, onions and interestingly - carrots. That sorta came out of left field. Although we sometimes do put carrots in our homemade spaghetti sauce, i’ve never really seen it in prepared sauces. That was actually quite different, and it made me want to try it again.

The noodles, as I mentioned, were pretty horrible. I actually had to add about 1/4 cup or more of water to the sauce, plus some olive oil to get it palatable. Spaghetti should not stick to the roof of your mouth in most universes.

Overall, this spaghetti survived a truly low score only because it was so cheap at $1.50. Still: I think I could make better Spaghetti in my sleep. I was actually a little disappointed because I’ve had some of Fresh and Easy’s other prepared noodle meals, such as the Chicken Parmigiana, and the noodles were fine. I believe with these company branded prepared meals, there are going to be occasions where you just get a bad one. So I’ve been meaning to try it again just to see if the one I got was a dud. But it hasn’t gone on sale in the discount bin again. I guess I’ll post an update if I try it again. Toodle-oo, Mr. Glue…

Price: $1.50 for 12 oz. (MSRP $3)
Found At: Fresh and Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 3/10

[Editor’s Note: F&E Is pretty damn COOL. I only hope that enough people patronize the one I’m at so that it doesn’t shut down. If it shuts down I’m going to be crying for a long, long time.]

Once upon a time there was a woman who constructed a house made entirely of Olives. Black olives, green olives, kalamata olives, stuffed olives filled with pimientos, cheese and garlic and raw uncured olives (not recommended for eating). The olive house, which covered 1500 square feet and included a peaked roof, was held together with an insane amount of cream cheese and liver pate. Each corner of the house featured a Dirty Martini bar. She wore dresses woven entirely out of olive branches with olives for buttons.

This is not her story.

I’m going to apologize in advance for this post - I’m not an olive expert. I like them well enough, but I’ve never really paid attention to the different types. I know the standard black olives that go on top of wannabe enchiladas and into gooey 7-layer dip. The pic above is your standard whole pitted black olives that I like to slice up and put into pasta salad. And so on.

My parents have had an olive tree on their front lawn ever since I can remember - I guess that would be over 35 years. It’s smack dab in the middle of the lawn and for some reason, it’s outlasted pretty much every other tree on their property. I remember ducking under the overhanging branches laden with fruit whilst mowing the lawn (non-electric mower, OMG, you can’t imagine the horror).

When the olives ripened and dropped, they’d stain the sidewalk and driveway if they were stepped on. I can’t imagine why they didn’t cut the fricken tree down because of the nuisance. I think they had a psychological attachment to the tree. Maybe the whole peace symbol thingy.

I always wondered why these “olives” were so green - at the time my knowledge was limited to black olives out of a can. Several times, I remember my parents getting the bright idea of curing their own olives. They did it the traditional way using a lye solution. As a kid, I never understood how it was that they were cured by putting it into a poisonous solution that would burn you. Actually, it still amazes me that this is the way a lot of olives are cured.

Anyhow, so the question is: are Olives a good candidate for Cheap Eats?

I believe the answer is yes, in most cases.

I like to keep at least a can of black olives and a jar of the green Spanish style olives in the pantry at all times. They last for a long, long time. Even after you open a can of olives, they last a heck of a long time when stored in the fridge properly. I sometimes splurge on the Kalamata olives at TJs or Whole Foods, but for the most part, I stick with whole, pitted black olives in a can.

Olives are just a really versatile food - you can snack on them whole, slice them up for salads, mix them into pasta, cook them in a sauce, use them as a topping for party food (dips are a fave), and serve them as part of an antipasto. I don’t really buy the stuffed olives frequently, but there are millions of different varieties of those should you be in need of some quick appetizers. I had some Habanero cheese stuffed ones the other day - wooo, they were good.

One of my favorite things to do is to chop olives and add them to sandwiches. Once upon a millenium, there used to be a chain store called Fedco. If memory serves me correctly (and it never does), this was my first experience with green olives. They used to have an item called a Sandini Sandwich that had green olives in a mayo spread. I like making a similar poor-boy style sandwich with turkey or ham and olive spread. Just chop up the olives and mix them with mayo. Makes the sandwich taste sort of tangy and refreshing. It’s almost like relish, but it tastes better to me.

For standard canned black olives, I usually buy the whole ones as opposed to the sliced or chopped. The reason is that you can cut up whole olives, but you can’t put sliced ones back together into whole ones. I mean, unless you’re some kind of Wizard (I guess Harry Potter might incant Olivus Reparatus, but then I’m just a Muggle). In addition, I like to slice up olives thicker than the pre-sliced olives from cans.

If you buy whole green Spanish olives with the pits still in them, it can be cheaper than pitted green olives. The issue is getting the pits out. Previously, I’d tried to cut the exterior off which took forever. It was like carving a mini-turkey. A better way to do it, especially if the olives are on the firmer side, is to smack them with the flat blade of a kitchen knife. You do it much like the method for smacking garlic cloves to remove the skin. Smacking the olives should cause the pit and meat to separate pretty easily so that you can just pick out the pit. Hm… did I just say “Smacking Olives”? Geez. Oh yes, smack my olives, baby…

The one issue about olives for me is that depending on what kind you’re looking for, they can be rather pricey. The Kalamata and stuffed olives will set you back quite a bit. But the standard canned black olives aren’t that expensive - a standard six ounce can of whole black olives should set you back anywhere between $.50 and $1.50. When you open a can, store the unused remainder with its liquid in a glass storage container or a jar. It’ll last for quite awhile. I spoon a few out, chop them up, and throw them into whatever recipe I’m making.

And no, despite what you may think, I do not have an olive or olive oil fetish. And yes, those things do exist.

I’ve been sort of sitting on these Burger King Onion Ring Snacks. I don’t mean actually sitting on them as in squatting and placing my butt-rear directly over these holes, er, rings, er, roundish snack things. (Hey, that rhymes!) I mean I’ve kept them in the dollar store food Cheap Eats review cache for a rainy day. They just seemed like such an easy review to put up, and I had great gasping plans for them.

But seeing as I’m gasping in other ways due to the 98 degree heat today, I figured I might as well have a go at them. Give it the old college try. You know. Cram as many onion rings into my mouth as possible and then sit back and watch a hockey playoff game or two. See if I can shoot a stream of pee through the ring. Purely puerile things that stifling heat makes you do.

These are Burger King branded snack chips that are supposed to be the equivalent of their onion rings. Now, I haven’t been to BK in awhile, although it’s not because I dislike the food. I’m sorta ambivalent toward their offerings, no lingering hate here. Apparently, they have made a mess of their commercials though, according to the preliminary results of the “Worst Fast Food Commercials” poll that’s running. I haven’t seen too many BK commercials at all lately - it’s kinda weird.

But anyhow, these onion ring snacks actually look surprisingly close to what I’m assuming their real onion rings would look like. They’re sort of the size of the smaller onion rings you might get in an order, from about 1-2 inches in diameter. That’s 1-2 inches across, for those of you who failed math like I did.

I actually find it quite interesting that the rings are not all the exact same size. They must have some sort of onion-ring-diameter randomizer function embedded into the extruder machine. I bet you it’s patented, which is unfortunate because I was just about to submit that idea to one of those “Invention Patent” websites and watch the pennies roll in. Jingle, jingle.

I guess the big question you’ve been patiently waiting for me to answer is: How are these compared to Funyuns?

Besides having a name that’s 95% better grammatically speaking (I can only imagine how many gallons of paint one has to gulp in order to come up with a proper butcherizing of the name “Funyuns”), the BK Onion Ring snacks are decidedly darker and browner in color. The texture of the outside of the ring looks very similar to the breading on an onion ring. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by the appearance.

They also appear to be “chunkier” than Funyuns - I know real onion slices are pretty flat and skinny, so maybe they’re trying to imitate a really thick batter. Actually, if they were shooting a(nother) remake of “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” next door (and they’ve been known to shoot Hollywood drivel films all around our area), I might be tempted to think these were Cinnamon Cheerios cereal props. They look an awful lot like them.

As far as texture goes, they aren’t that dense like Cheetos, but are more like cheese puffs. Not as light as the puffs, though - I would say they fall somewhere in between. They have a nice crunch to them - I want to say they’ve got around the same crunch as Funyuns do. Dang it, I keep typing FunyuMs. Stupid ‘N’ and ‘M’ close together on the keyboard. Where’s my Dvorak…

As for taste, they’ve got a good strong onion flavor - no doubt enhanced suitably by a few tablespoons of MSG. But not the worst tasting onion chips I’ve ever had. I wish I had some Funyuns so I could test them side by side. If memory serves me correctly, and it never does, I think Funyuns were actually saltier than these BK Onion Ring chips. I was quite surprised I didn’t have to immediately take a drink after eating these. Well, OK, I did have to run to get a drink after about six of the rings. That MSG sort of creeps up on you all sudden-like.

In conclusion, I think that I was suckered into buying these onion ring snacks just because they had the Burger King name on them. In that respect, their evil corporate marketing machinations worked beautifully. I’m going to have to take some of those new Name Brand De-Sensitizer pills I’ve been hearing so much about. But I guess I was fairly surprised that the actual product was decent and they went to some trouble to make it interesting instead of just slapping their name on a bunch of baked cornholes.

Sorry, I meant corn rings. And I just realized I used the words slapping and cornhole in that sentence.

Sigh, time to call it a day - the heat is Funyunizing my brain.

Price: $1.00 for 3 oz.
Found At: Dollar Store
Cheap Eats Score: 6/10

[Editor’s Note: I apologize for not being able to come up with a suitable joke incorporating “Have It Your Way” and cornhole ring. These things just do not come naturally to me.]

After my earlier Defcon-ish review of Beanee Weenee, I was a little hesitant to dive back into the murky waters of Van Camp’s cheap but questionable offerings. I mean, I’ve got about 55 cans of Rosarita refried beans in the pantry already which are certainly good enough for my heart (and fart) when I need a quick bean fix.

As well, I just can’t get into sweet side dish offerings. Often, they’re “southern” inspired or traditional dishes that just leave my savory taste buds whining. I pretty much categorically hate yams, sweet potatoes, sweet bean anything, sweetened tea (come on now, give me a break), and anything sweet on pork . God, strike me down if I’m forced to eat applesauce with meat.

But anyhow, these were on sale for only 37 cents so I decided against my better judgement to pick up a can.

The first thing I noticed, that didn’t surprise me too much, was there was no “pork” to speak of in these beans. Oh sure, it’s listed there on the ingredients label. But what surprised me is that it is listed under the “less than 2% of” heading. That would explain the lack of pork in these beans. Maybe it’s just me, but this seems like false advertising taken to an extreme level. I mean, they should force VanCamp to call it “Beans and Pork”, or “Beans in Tomato Sauce With a Smidgen of Pork Flavoring”, or “Pork and Beans, PSYCHE! NO PORK, HAHA” or “Beans That You Should Eat WITH A Side of Pork Because There’s Really No Pork In Here”.

And so on.

The beans themselves are pretty average. They’re the small white bean variety and are soaked in tomato sauce or puree. I could’ve used a little more spice, anything to kill the sweet-madness. I tried dumping in a load of hot sauce into it, and the flavor improved about 300%. I still could only choke down a few spoons of the beans.

Sorry, I have a frequent repetitive-motion shoulder and back issue that has ramped up this past week. So it’s making me especially grumbly about not seeing a single shred of pork inside these beans which taste like they’ve been soaked in a gallon of sugar water. Ugh, my sweet tooth hurts. In fact, I’m going to stop talking about them because it’s not worth my typing. I’ve got a timer by the computer that’s set so I don’t spend longer than 15 minutes typing since it affects the shoulder. Ding, time’s up. Plus, if you like these crappy beans, there’s probably nothing I can say to change your mind otherwise.

These beans were pretty bad. But your hyperactive, sugar-freebasing kids may love them. However, you may want to keep the beans away from the young’uns lest they decide, in a sugar-induced fit of fantasy, to take the family van out for a cruise.

Price: $0.37 for 15 oz.
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 2/10

P.S. I wrote this letter a month and a half ago, but only published it today

Dear Miss Fresh & Easy,

You’re a relative newcomer in my neck ‘o the woods. Everyone says you’re the hot tomato (replace the word tomato with whatever scatological phrase you’d like). Straight outta Britain, via Tesco.

The question is, are you really Thee Hotness, or are you just another Jenny Come Lately Crouching Tiger Hidden High End Convenience Market?

Well, I made my first trip today to actually buy something off your shelves, after getting cart-blocked at the grand opening last week by thousands of raving mad Freshandeasyites. And so far, I’m pretty darn impressed. I only hope you can keep up the good times in these bad times. If I get really used to doing all my grocery shopping in your aisles, and you end up bailing on me in a couple years, there is going to be hot, hot hellbath to pay, baby.

Anyhow, more about you later. I’m gonna start off with a review of your Chicken Vindaloo Meal. I see that most of the stuff you keep on your shelves is your “own” brand. That’s nice, keep the prices down that way. You’ve got a lot of convenience style food that young professionals (or unprofessionals) can just pick up and go. But you also stock fresh veggies, frozen seafood and meat, dairy, breads, soups and pretty much everything I’d ever need. That’s hot.

Hey, I don’t need to drive to Trader Joes anymore.

Whoah. Did I hear a little bird just go potweet in your heart after I said that? I hope so. I really mean it, I will love you if you will love me. I mean, we should probably keep an open relationship - you know, we can see other people / supermarkets if you like. I’m cool with that. Check it out: I’m a 21st century dude all the way, babe.

Your delicious vindaloo is freshly made, but sealed so that you can buy a bunch and freeze them. While there, I saw other suitors fondling your wares in the 50% off special of the day section. I tried to push them out of the way to get to your goodies, but they wouldn’t have any of it. I finally got one of your sweet vindaloos, but most of the rest of that section of yours had been ravaged. Those animals.

Your vindaloo was excellent - it didn’t have an excessive amount of heat, but it was still spicy enough so I didn’t have to add anything extra. Very redolent and fragrant with spices and coconut milk. There were big pieces of chicken breast in your vindaloo - I’ll admit it was a little on the dry side. Maybe you should think about brining? But at least it wasn’t salty like many other prepared chicken meals.

Medium sized pieces of tomato and onion rounded out your delicious dish. I think I would’ve preferred if you cooked your onions a little bit, they were still crunchy even after microwaving for 5 minutes. Your package had a full pound of food - no way I could finish the entire thing. You’re a whole lot of woman…

Overall, so far I’m smitten with your prepared meals - especially when they’re half price on sale. This vindaloo wasn’t restaurant quality, but you’d give any of the other markets a run for their money. I’m sweet on you, honey. For now at least. You keep this up and I might just buy you a ring.

Love,
Cheap Eats

Price: $3.50 for 1 lb (reg. $7.00)
Found At: Fresh & Easy
Cheap Eats Score: 8/10

[Editor’s Note: I know, I know. It’s so Impulsive Buy to pretend-write a love letter to a supermarket. What can I say, I only imitate the best. Well, you should be thankful that I didn’t pretend-write my letter to Carl’s Jr. I’m going to have to keep a box of tissues and some Häagen-Dazs by the computer when I do that in the future.]

Once upon a time there was a young boy who could breathe underwater. He was about to be captured by government agents when he was rescued by a round-faced, blonde, breadmaking cheerleader who was invulnerable to all forms of bodily damage. Save the breadmaker, save the world.

This is not their story.

(It is, however, a part of the most recent episode of Heroes in case you should like to watch that.)

This story, instead, is about these Baby Cheddar Pepperidge Farms Goldfish that I bought on a whim while at Tarjey. What does it have to do with Heroes? Like talent in an American Idol show - absolutely, positively, nothing.

I was actually trying to think of some “baby” jokes or cultural references to spew forth like I Love The 70s/80s slurm. But my brain was severely distracted by round-faced, blonde, breadmaking cheerleaders last night. So I didn’t get to make a whole list.

Ok, maybe just a few - Babyface. Ooh Baby I Love Your Way. Laughing Cow Mini Babybel. I’ve Got You Babe. Babe (The Pig). How is babby formed?

Oh yes, and Octopus Mom lives close to me. I should pay a visit and offer her a bag of these mini goldfish - there’s so many in a bag that each of her cephalopodic babbys could have a tentacle full.

But, as usual, I digress. I’m actually a huge fan of the standard Pepperidge fan goldfish. I haven’t really tried too many other flavors. I just know the pretzel ones make me thirsty. Yes, those pretzels were making me thirsty. 20 Magic Bonus Points if you got that reference.

I thought these babbbbby goldfish were going to be really tiny - sort of like how mini M&Ms are baby versions of their chocolatey parents. But to be honest, there wasn’t that huge of a difference in size. And since the flavor and texture is identical, I’m not sure why I would buy this instead of normal Cheddar Goldfish.

In retrospect, I should’ve bought another bag of normal sized goldfish so I could compare them side by side. It’s been awhile since I bought a bag of goldfish crackers, so I don’t even remember if the normal ones have missing faces as well.

That’s right, some of these goldfish have no eyes or mouth - just like the poor saps on Fringe who were victims of a scar tissue virus gone awry. I don’t know why they mix these together in the bag - I’m all for goldfish species equality (witness the “Colors” Goldfish that Pepperidge Farm also sells), but I was getting confused while eating these. When I’m eating a goldfish, I like to make eye contact with him. I like to let him know that yesh, Mr. Homo Sapiens Carnivorous is definitely in charge of chomping here. I don’t want him to try and hide behind a blank expression (like our former president, zing).

Ok, so I admit after eating just about a whole school of these, it did seem like you could cram more of them in your mouth than the normal variety. I wonder if you could get in the Guinness Book of World Records that way - it should be easier than cramming people into a phone booth. I would still like to see the two sizes side by side, so maybe I’ll buy a bag of both next time. I’ll just eat a few of each and give the remaining to the octuplets next time I see them.

I just read back this review, and it doesn’t make any sense. Fun.

[Editor’s Note: I know I’m probably wrong about the translation of “breadmaker”, no need to write in long emails about that…]

Price: $1.66 for 7.2 oz bag
Found At: Target
Cheap Eats Score: 5/10